Whopper 101

Episode Report Card
Miss Alli: B | 1 USERS: A+
Have it your way or the highway

An airplane lands. Trump explains that this is a sixteen-week (!) (up another week from last time, ACK!) job interview. And a young woman with a startlingly blank expression deplanes. She has a fuzzy pink sweater on, and I have a feeling that's about as tough as she gets. She's all about being embraced by her own stuff. Quentin Tarantino's Husky Brother comes through the airport with a suitcase. That Guy (Fraternity President Variation) approaches from another angle. Green Ruffles Girl walks purposefully. Guy Who Seems To Have Just Been Indicted ducks into a cab and away from the prying eyes of the press. African-American Woman We All Really, Really Hope Isn't "Crazy" approaches through the subway as Trump explains that (if you haven't heard) this season will pit "book smarts" against "street smarts" -- the college grads against the not. Listen for the part where Trump tells you that not one of the people on his "book smarts" team went to an Ivy League school, or any other traditionally hoity-toity school. Oh, right. It doesn't happen. Note that this does not mean I am saying these are not good schools, so don't send me that email. I'm saying that it's not as if they went and recruited from Harvard and Berkeley, and they've actually had more impressive academics in past seasons when that wasn't the whole point, so I don't know. If you want to see the real academic snotheads get whomped, you'll have to make your own show.

But anyway. That Guy (Secretary-Humping Variation) gets on a bus, telling the driver -- who totally cares, and isn't at all going to tell this story later with a lot of uses of the words "fucking" and "girly" -- that this is his first time in New York. Morticia Raspberrysuit comes strolling down the street with her little wheelie-case. That Guy (Self-Amusing Proud Oddball Variation) walks along with his...guitar on his back. Also African-American Woman We All Really, Really Hope Isn't A "Loose Cannon" comes at us, and I'm pretty sure I recognize LaGuardia from the signs. Oh, my travel habits, how they are crazy. Captain Bow Tie is coming to save us, fortunately. And his sidekick, Tweedy Suit Girl, will be there to help. Her superpowers include faxing.

And now, the people who Trump claims "learned the ropes by skipping college," which is kind of the diploma-case-half-empty approach. That Guy (Round, Jolly Variation) comes around a corner. Skinny Blonde Could've-Been-A-Standup-Comic Girl gets off the bus. African-American Guy We All Really, Really Hope Isn't "Intense" is in the subway as well. Generic Dark Hair is a woman on the move. Marcia Crosselganger rides in a taxi. That Guy (Heavily Moussed Variation) approaches! Pink Sweater Girl! And that's full circle, people. The Trumpicopter has to leave us now, so it deposits Trump on the roof, where he gives us that "yooge salary" line we've all been waiting for. Doesn't it feel like we just got this spiel, like, a week and a half ago? It does to me. Sigh. And yet again, he repeats the classic line, "So they too can become a billionaire someday," and now I just think they're teasing me. Not that seeing all of these people glom into one super-being who was, in fact, a billionaire wouldn't be hysterically funny. Because oh, yes, it would.

Trump Limo 3000ZX pulls up to Trump Tower, where a crowd is waiting and cheering as he gets out, just to keep the tone realistic for a serious business event like a job interview. Trump repeats again how much he loves New York City. He thinks, but does not say, "Especially the parts that are MINE, MINE, MINE!" Instead, he yells over the cheering that, here at Trump Tower, the 18 candidates will get their shot at greatness. Or, of course, their shots at life as former reality show contestants. More shots of all the people we just saw follow. Trump wonders, as he does, "Who will succeed? Who will fail? Who will be...the Apprentice?" Only this time, a whole crowd of people yells, "The Apprentice!" with him, because do you know what any freak show needs? More freaks!

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