Whopper 101

Episode Report Card
Miss Alli: B | 1 USERS: A+
Have it your way or the highway

Oh, the O-Jays, the merciful O-Jays. In the credits, we learn the following: African-American Woman With Braids is Verna. Secretary-Humper is Alex. Morticia Raspberrysuit is Erin. Quentin's Brother is Michael. Ruffles Girl is Stephanie. Frat President is Todd. Tweedy Suit Girl is Kendra. Guitar Guy is Danny. Bow-Tie Man is Bren. Skinny Blonde is Tana. Round and Jolly is John. Dark Hair is Kristen. Wait, Round and Jolly is actually Brian. I think John was Heavily Moussed. Marcia Crosselganger, who looks nothing like Marcia Cross except in that original taxi shot, is Angie. African-American Woman With Straight Hair is Tara. Wait, maybe Heavily Moussed was Chris. See, I'm all thrown off because Just-Been-Indicted Guy was hidden from me. Goddamn grand jury confidentiality. Pink Sweater Girl is Audrey. African-American Non-Intense Guy is Craig. I apologize for my poor job of explaining who all those people are. If they had given me more than an hour and a half to recover from the last season, it might have gone better. Thanks, scheduling monkeys, for keeping me mired in work. I didn't want to clean my apartment or anything.

Music from a video from the '80s plays as we return to...yes, the New York skyline. Because really, couldn't you look at it all day? At Trump Tower, the elevator doors open, and a guy I feel like I haven't seen up until now, either in the intro or in the credits, steps off. Man, I am in the weeds. Okay, he says he's Chris. That's kind of what I was thinking, although I'd be lying if I claimed I was sure. Robin tells him to put his suitcase aside and wait. Chris explains to us that he's only 21 years old, but he works with super-rich people. And he doesn't see failure as an option, because you can't very well allow yourself to fail when you work with the rich, now, can you? They'll have you killed by offering their lunch money to the violent who have fallen on hard times. Here comes Erin, who, Sars would note, does not walk well in those heels. "Clomp, clomp," her feet say. Others file in. Tana interviews that while she's "not one to prejudge," she definitely sees some losers among the other candidates. But not in a prejudging kind of way. And just as she says that some of them are not "Mr. Trump material," the doors open, and Danny and his ugly red leisure suit enter the lobby. (Not that there's any other kind of red leisure suit, really.) John explains that Danny apparently "marches to the beat of a different drummer, and apparently, that drummer loves polyester." Hee. The Crosselganger -- now back to looking kind of Crossy during this sequence -- eyes Danny with disgust. I feel you, Crosselganger. Bren tells us that he is that most delightful of things -- "a little man with a big mouth." The caption says he is a "prosecutor" as he explains to us that people will underestimate him and put their guard down, and then he will...swoop in, or file a motion in limine, or something. He looks meek, but at night, he becomes Litigatron.

In other news, Alex rubs his chin thoughtfully, or in a manner that would be thoughtful if he had more thoughts. Michael gives his opinion that some of the women are spoiled, and they all got lots of help from their daddies. Which apparently, he was able to conclude by looking at them. Interesting observation, there. I don't suppose Michael is going to turn out to be Fuck Fuck Fuck How Can All These Chicks Be Smarter Than I Am I Can Feel My Balls Shrinking By The Minute Guy or anything. Erin reminds us in an interview that she's "an intellectual." Which makes sense, because that's what they cast for, after all. That's why there's an essay test on Great Literature Other Than Vanity Fair. Erin further explains that she intends to prove that women can be "sexy and powerful." Considering her hair and blank expression, it isn't clear just how proving this has anything to do with her, but I'm willing to wait and see what she comes up with. ["I'm not: Shut up, Erin. Reverse sexism is so '89." -- Sars]

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