Apprentice
Whopper 101

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Miss Alli: B | 1 USERS: A+
YOU GRADE IT
Have it your way or the highway

Trump calls for Robin, who sends the Apprenti in to meet with Trump. She directs the women to go in first and stay on the left (their left? Trump's left? She doesn't say), and the candidates file in. Todd informs us that all the people in the group are "sharks," and they want the same job he wants. Those sharks. He says it will come down to the Boardroom. Survival of the fittest! I can't wait. Maybe blood will be shed. Or the entire thing will switch over to a documentary about Galapagos turtles.

In the Boardroom, the candidates are stared down by Trump, George, and Carolyn. Carolyn's Brain: "Hmm. Fewer tube dresses than last time, although the off-the-shoulder green dust ruffle is unfortunate." Trump welcomes everyone to the "job interview." What's awesome is that rather than leading with how awesome George and Carolyn are when he introduces them, Trump focuses on how "very famous" they've gotten. Not that he doesn't also say they're "great executives." Because he does. And they are. But...did he mention how famous? Trump goes on to say that for the last two rounds, he pitted the men against the women in an effort to prove that all stereotypes are secretly accurate, because women are all about backstabbing and lying and pettiness, and that's before you marry them. (Kidding! Happy wedding! Hope you got a toaster!) This time, Trump is eschewing gender warfare in favor of class warfare. What he's doing is splitting them into two teams with "approximately the same IQ" who are "approximately the same age." What's the difference? Have we mentioned the "smarts" thing, because...yeah, I wasn't sure. We did, oh, good. Anyway, the "glaring difference" is that half of them have college degrees, and half have "only a high school diploma." LoopTrump tells us that both groups have been successful, but then we return to LiveTrump, who tells us that it turns out that the high school grads make three times as much money as the college grads. So Trump's plan is to see whether "practical experience is more important than academic knowledge." And this will be a great opportunity to learn exactly that. Welcome to America's referendum on the value of higher education.

Trump repeats last year's rule that the PM who wins will get an exemption (if necessary) the next week. He promises them that they're "very talented and very smart," but tells them that there will be only one winner. I also love the part where he tells them they're going to be "living in hell." Well, the kind of hell with boom operators, a giant pretend apartment, and lots and lots and lots of the attention you've been craving since you were an infant licking the lens of your Mommy and Daddy's video camera. Trump wishes them luck and sends them up to the suite, and they take their leave. Brian interviews that he was excited about the division of the teams, because he believes in "street smarts" in business. I do not believe in his shapeless gray t-shirt. And what does Brian think will happen if you don't have "street smarts"? Why, you will fall victim to a terrible act of circus-related violence. At least I assume that's what Brian means when he says you'll be "cut by the juggler." You have to watch out for the clown, too. Mean bastard.

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Apprentice

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