Whopper 101

Episode Report Card
Miss Alli: B | 1 USERS: A+
Have it your way or the highway

More skyline porn takes us back to Trump Tower, where the candidates are ready to check out the suite. It's a new pad, although we don't get a suite number for it, so I'll be calling it the Love Palace until told otherwise. The decorating scheme can be described as All Neutrals, All The Time, as it is a veritable hodgepodge of dark grays and browns, with beige thrown in just to make it a little flashy. They all say, "Nice, nice, nice," and "It's just beautiful," but what they're thinking is, "Could we not get, like, one red chair?" Tana directs everyone's attention to the "dream kitchen," so named because its checkerboard floor will show up in one of your nightmares anytime now. I can't believe anyone put that floor in a space that's going to be on TV, because I don't think I've ever seen anything so distracting to the eye. Tana interviews -- and her curvy eyebrows underscore -- that she loved the suite and "could get used to this lifestyle, really!" At the sight of the typical champagne/chocolate/caviar spread, Stephanie and some of the other women clap their hands in delight, because that's what you do when you can't think of words. Champagne is poured, a toast is shared. "Oooooh, shall we read the card?" Tana squeals. Man. Less squealing, please. The card they open says that first, they have to sort themselves into who has a college degree and who doesn't, and then they'll need to choose team names. Oh, team names. Always the best part of any premiere, and by "best," I mean "most demonstrative of fundamental incompetence."

Banter follows in which John asks whether, rather than referring to the non-college-educated as "high school," they can please be referred to as "the wealthier of the two groups." Oh, snap! Those entrepreneurs. You can't keep them down for a minute. Plucky! The collegians are shown looking irritated, although God only knows where those shots come from. Verna tells us that she can assure the high-school graduates with their big paychecks that "it's only going to stay that way for a quick minute." For she is Verna, and she rules all.

A bunch of the Street-Smartians meet up and discuss how they'll win because they have nothing to lose, and how they want to call themselves Net Worth, and there's just so much plot here that I can hardly stand it. John explains that if he gets beaten by a Harvard grad (not that there are any), he'll play it off as losing to a Harvard grad (who isn't here), but the Harvard grad (were there one present) would have to be much more embarrassed about losing to him. So in short, do you think John is naturally inferior because he lacks a college degree? Hey, he does, too!

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