Apprentice
Whopper 101

Episode Report Card
Miss Alli: B | 1 USERS: A+
YOU GRADE IT
Have it your way or the highway

Kristen explains to the group that she was planning on being a lawyer, and then she found out how much money they make, and she dropped out of school and moved to L.A. Now...I'm the first to tell you that you won't automatically get rich as a lawyer (God knows). But the idea of deciding you affirmatively can't be rich as a lawyer is stupid. If, as she says, "it's all about the money" (and how fucking sad is that?), then you can certainly make a lot of money as a lawyer. Especially if you like boxes and boxes of documents. This story just doesn't make any sense. Tara tells us in an interview that she wasn't so sure about this arrangement of teams until she learned that "the net worth of [her] team was three times greater than the net worth of the other team," and then she felt better. That's not what Trump said, of course -- he said "make three times as much money," which isn't the same as Net Worth, but...that's okay.

The Street-Smartians have a team meeting, and John lectures (who died and made him Papa Smurf, by the way?) that one of Trump's very own books says that hiring "attitude and experience" is sometimes the way to go, rather than education. He orders them to agree to a pact to "work [their] asses off together," and also to keep everything that's said in the Boardroom to the Boardroom, which I guarantee you? Will not happen. That isn't the way people are. But it's a nice thought. Brian busts out his set of orders, which are that he will tell everyone what he's upset about directly, and if they don't do the same and they surprise him in the Boardroom, he has only one piece of advice: "Buckle your chin strap." Because he's taking your ass mountain-biking, dickweed, and he's not kidding around.

Over at the Book-Smartians, Danny is suggesting that they all get titles, and he wants to be the CMO -- Chief Morale Officer. I shit you not. A bunch of the women cheer, because they are stupid. And then Danny yells, "UNBELIEVABLE!", which apparently he wants to make into a catch phrase, having narrowly chosen it over "We're GRRRRRRREAT!" Stephanie, whose occupation is listed as "Supply Chain Consultant" (whuh?), tells us that Danny was just great and energetic and made everyone happy and excited. And if you're in a bad mood, Danny will be there to perk you up. Unless you're in a bad mood because you want to beat the small intestines out of Danny, in which case his encouragement won't make you feel quite as awesome. And then we see him say "UNBELIEVABLE!" again. He must die. He tells us, in an interview in which he is wearing a raspberry shirt and light salmon jacket (lovely), that the rest of the candidates might not see him as a CEO, but that's only because they don't see all his experience in business. And, probably, because he's acting like he's on speed and alcohol and uppers and downers and Sudafed and baby aspirin and Pez straight from the Popeye head.

So now, it's time for the Book-Smartians to discuss a team name. Bren suggests "Shiznit," and as much as I don't like Erin, she does respond to that with exactly the "yeah, HILARIOUS" attitude it deserves. Someone suggests Einstein. Cornerstone? ("Too long, or something," Erin says.) Ronin? (Uh, "Ronin"?) Hmm, Victory, Legacy -- ah, Legacy! This one seems to be on track, until Danny mocks it with his guitar, and nothing can stand up to the guitar mocking, so obviously, that name is discarded. Or maybe it's because Danny likes it and is serenading it with his guitar. I can't tell. Either way, his guitar kills it dead. Verna interviews that Danny's idea to write a team song was kind of ass, which...it's going to be a very long season if everything Danny does that's ass gets called out in an interview, so I hope everyone is prepared to pace themselves. Someone suggests Diplomacy, which...is that a pun? Like, from diploma? They know "diplomacy" doesn't have anything to do with diplomas, at least in English, right? And then Stephanie says, "Magna." Which is possibly the worst team name ever, coming right behind "Mosaic." But they love it, and they're really tired of listening to Danny play the guitar, so that'll about do it. Alex explains, in case you didn't know, that "magna" comes from "magna cum laude," Latin for "second best." ["And I liked Alex, but I will point out again that, if you fling that term around, you'd better know how to pronounce it. 'Loud-eh' or 'loud-ay.' NOT 'LAWD.'" -- Sars] Which is just how they hope to finish. Oh, those smarties. Seriously, is there any reason you wouldn't call your team Summa instead? Doesn't this suggest that they don't know what "summa cum laude" is? Because it kind of seems like it does. Tragically, Danny apparently gets the rest of the team to participate in a chant of "UNBELIEVABLE!" before their meeting breaks up. This is going so, so badly. (And I think that marked the first of about six times that Miss Alli's Mom remarked, "That guy has got to go." She said it over and over again, like Rain Man. Danny has reduced my mother to incoherence. Jerk.) Oh, and then Danny's like, "Rock and roll, brutha!", and I want to die. And then they say "UNBELIEVABLE" again and I want to get hurt bad and suffer and then die.

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Apprentice

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