Whopper 101

Episode Report Card
Miss Alli: B | 1 USERS: A+
Have it your way or the highway

The Street-Smartians overhear the celebrating from Magna, and Tara declares it "corny." With which I agree. John comments that his team might not be as "rah-rah" as the collegians, but he thinks Magna is "all show, no go." Yeah, I had that car once. They start in on a team name, and Tana doesn't want a "little pussy name." How about "Dreadnought"? She wants a "powerful bang name." Hee hee. She said "powerful bang." Brian suggests "Brass Balls, Inc." Which is great, unless, of course, you're a girl. I really wish one of the women had come back with "Tits of Steel." Brian goes on to tempt the departing Michael Powell by interviewing that "in business, you have to have balls. Big balls." For, you know, the powerful bang.

In the end, the stupid, boring, non-brass-balls-having, non-powerful-bang "Net Worth" returns, and that's the final name of the team. Yeah. Net Worth. I have to say, if we're judging the teams by their ability to name themselves, this is not promising. John runs down the list of people on his team, and it looks just as auspicious as the other team -- that is to say, not very. And someone is drinking Red Bull instead of champagne. That's an interesting choice. There is much hooting.

In one of the bedrooms, Magna is listening to Danny as he bores the shit out of everyone with his guitar. He explains in an interview that he wanted them all to "have some fun." This is part of his philosophy that "you have to work hard and play hard," and if anything says "play hard," it's sitting around a bedroom listening to a guy play the guitar badly. Dude, I played harder in college than I thought. Oh, and Michael is providing percussion by banging a pot with a wooden spoon. This is good, because even if they lose, they'll still have the jug band. Net Worth is overhearing all this, and as they listen with contempt from the living room, Kristen gives an interview in which she manages to make herself sound like a bigger asshole than the person currently playing the guitar in the bedroom and singing about his team, which is quite a feat. Anyway, she says this is apparently what they all did in college while she and her team were working, so that's why Net Worth has so much more money than the Book-Smartians. Whatever. Nice lavender jacket, not.

Mercifully, the Team Magna song finally ends. Let's all breathe again, shall we?

The next morning, the Rhonaphone rings, and Angie runs to answer it. They're getting the call to meet Trump on the roof at Trump Tower at 9:00 AM. High fives are exchanged. With Danny. Who is, mercifully, not singing. Next thing you know, the teams are assembled on the roof, being met by Trump and the Viceroys. Trump, looking even more orange-haired than usual, asks them for the team names. "High school?" he asks, addressing them in a manner rather more asshole-ish than necessary. "Net Worth," Tara says. Trump asks how they came up with it, and Tara volleys back, in the great rhetorical tradition of VCR instructions, "Collectively, we have a high financial net worth." And then she goes on to yap about how they "defied the odds" and "persevered." Not sure how they automatically defied any odds just by avoiding higher education, but...okay. Next, Alex tells Trump that his team is called Magna Corp. He says they wanted a name that "encapsulated [their] educational achievements." Not that we know whether any of them actually graduated magna cum laude or not. But Trump claims to like that name, too. Actually, I would have liked it better if they had called the team "Encapsulate."

Trump explains that New York is "the fastest-paced place anywhere on earth." Time is money, blah blah blah. So fast food in New York is yooge. Which I'm sure is true, even though in fact, New York has so many other food options, including a lot of things you can eat standing up, that it seems to me that a place like McDonald's should actually be less significant in Manhattan than anywhere else, but...whatever. Trump says that for their first task, they'll be working with Burger King. Each team will take over a BK franchise and help launch one of six new burgers they're introducing. You pick the item, you name it, you market it, and then you manage the restaurant and sell it. And whoever "earns the most revenue from selling the new product" will win the task. Trump asks Magna how they'll do against a bunch of high-school graduates, and says he thinks they should have a big advantage. "Blow 'em out of the water," says Erin, only too happy to play along. Trump asks them if they'd be embarrassed if the high-schoolers "kicked [their] ass." Verna says she'd be embarrassed to be ass-kicked by anyone, not just high-school people. Well, seriously. Trump reminds them that whoever loses will meet him in the Boardroom for a firing. So that much hasn't changed.

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