Tonight: it's the most stomach-churning second half of a season finale ever! Are you kidding me with this? The first nine minutes, no joke, are a recap of what happened yesterday. I mean, I know I always exaggerate and say, "So after, like, half an hour of 'previously on' scenes..." but this was actually nine minutes. Because that's just how stupid this show thinks you are, America. I mean, either you watched three hours of this suckfest yesterday and you thought "in for a penny, in for a pound" and figured you'd watch tonight, and yet this show figures your little pea brains can't remember anything that happened, OR you wondered why the hell the status updates of half the women in your Facebook friends list seem to be a call for the head of Jason Mesnick, in which case you probably already have some idea what happened.
So after the first commercial we're almost a quarter of the way through the show. "How could Jason have made such a mistake? Should he have tried harder to make it work?" asks Chris Harrison. And they've brought back, again, some of the bachelorettes: Nikki, Erica, Naomi, Stephanie and ... I want to say Lauren? No, Kari. It's Kari. Nikki says it was shocking to see such a tearful situation. Stephanie talks about watching him in that "gut-wrenching pain" on the balcony after he let go of Molly. You mean the big fake crocodile tears? Stephanie thinks things are going to work. Erica says she was "flabbergasted" and figured that Jason should have taken a step back because this is such a big decision. Yeah, well, edge a little bit closer to figuring out why this show is so fucked up, Erica. You'll get there.
Naomi says she literally wanted to put her fist through the screen and punch him, because "Molly's my girl." I think that's because she thinks her television actually has little people inside it. Lauren says it takes a lot of integrity to do what he did on national television. I SWEAR TO GOD, THIS IS WHAT SHE SAID.
Chris goes into the audience to find out what people with too much time on their hands have to think. One woman says since he went through a failed marriage, he should have known what it was like. Then some other woman says she thinks he made a great decision. I think whatever Mr. Cutie-Pie Jason-Wason Mesnick decided would have been a great decision.
Harrison asks if anyone in the audience is really mad, and there's some woman who thinks it was awful, and another woman who had tears in her eyes watching it, and then there's some schlub who gets the microphone because Harrison wants a man's opinion, and buddy says he could never go from having that kind of reaction on the balcony to asking someone to marry him. People are applauding. People love to applaud in this audience. It's amazing how ABC managed to find the only people in America who wouldn't prefer to throw rotten tomatoes at Jason.