Bachelor
After The Final Rose

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After The Final Rose

Previously on Seriously, It Was JUST LAST NIGHT: Brad punted Jenni and DeAnna in order to make sweet sweet love to Chris Harrison on the Dais Of Dumpage.

Chris Harrison welcomes us by talking about how last night's episode shocked "millions of Bachelor fans." I guess he's counting all those bacteria in the Malibu house's hot tub as "fans." Chris recaps the events of last night yet again -- love you, babe, but leave that to the pros -- before introducing the evening's first egregious time-waster: Trista, Ryan, and baby Max. Chris describes Trista and Ryan as "America's favorite Bachelor couple"; given that, aside from Trista and Ryan, America really only has the one other couple to choose from, this is sort of like saying that George H.W. Bush is America's favorite Bush president. Anyway, the whole family troops out to the couch. Max is working his pacifier and writhing around as Trista answers intrusive questions from Chris about how long it took her to get pregnant. Then Chris asks what they thought of last night's finale; Trista feels "bad for everyone," and can sympathize with the girls since she went through that herself. She hands Max to Ryan, who doesn't seem terribly familiar with holding him; Chris offers to hold him instead, and unfortunately Trista doesn't take him up on it, because I would love to have seen Chris asking Brad the usual redundant questions in his best presidential-debate-moderator voice while dandling a drooling baby at the same time. Instead, Ryan dolts about how becoming a father is "the best thing ever" while Max flaps his arms all, "…Boring!"

Then Chris welcomes Byron and Mary to the stage. Byron does not order the salad very often; Mary's necklace looks like the neck irons you'd see in a New Yorker cartoon set in a dungeon; they're in love; Chris pressures them to just get married already, and Mary says they'll get married "in November" (which November is not specified), on their own timetable.

Back from the break, Chris introduces Jenni to the stage by reminding us that she got "rejected" last night. Once she's had a seat, Chris says that, last night, "we got to live your pain" (hee -- oh, Chris), and asks Jenni how she felt. Because the crying and confusion she expressed in the limousine implied a…sparkling underground spring of joy and contentment? Jenni: I was crushed and bewildered. Chris twists the knife with a reminder that she seemed like the frontrunner, but it "all ended in heartbreak." Jenni footage; nothing new, except a journal moment from last night where she gives Brad his own copy of her diary of all their moments together. Yikes. Picture-in-picture is back to record Jenni's reactions to seeing the footage again, and mostly, PiP Jenni is smiling sadly, but when Brad tells her goodbye, PiP Jenni fans her face to stop the tears, and the crowd murmurs sympathetically.

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