It's After the Final Rose (also known as Hour Three of ABC's lame primetime offerings) and Chris Harrison wastes no time in assuring us that Jake proposed to Vienna from the bottom of his heart. But before the determinedly happy couple can make us all puke up rose petals and cupids, let's get a little sturm und drang (or as we say in English: really freakin' depressed). So Tenley comes out to cry for us and apologize for not making Jake happier and looking just so pretty and tanned and well coiffed that we'll forgive her. She gets a standing ovation from the all female audience. Harrison gives her a big old hug and notes that the audience loves her and that she seems nervous. Tenley agrees that she is nervous. Specifically she is nervous about seeing Jake. Their journey just seemed "so magical" as if it was populated by fairy godmothers and unicorns and extremely helpful mice and not 30 angsty slutty women. Harrison decides that she looks way too happy and thus takes her on a look back at her very VERY public humiliation. We are transported back to the Island of St. Lucia where Tenley is winding her way from the helicopter to Jake in a tight dress and high heeled shoes and it is taking a really long time to walk to her still unbeknownst humiliation and her disembodied voice is saying that she loves Jake and that she would happily spend the rest of her life with him. Then Jake takes her hands and recites all the things he loves about her. He cries as he announces he loves her. But doesn't love her enough to put a ring on it. Tenley's currently placid if slightly pained face is superimposed over past Tenley's tear-streaked sad face. As past Tenley says goodbye to the man of her dreams, current Tenley fixes her hair and adjusts her Miss Congeniality sash. Harrison wants to know what it's like looking at her past self get her heart broken on national television and Tenley explains that she just loved Jake so darn much. Harrison presses her for what SPECIFICALLY hurt the MOST. Like, sadistic much, Harrison? A tear rolls down Tenley's cheek as she explains that she was really confused because she was really confident in their relationship. I mean, she had slept with the man not twelve hours before. DOESN'T THAT MEAN ANYTHING? She really trusted in their relationship. She does not mention that he was actively dating Vienna and perhaps she should have only trusted as much as you can trust any man who is dating TWO women. Chris is still not satisfied. He wants to see her suffer more: When he got her out of the helicopter, she was in love with Jake, right? She would have married him, right? Tenley admits that even if she wasn't expecting a proposal, since she had JUST SLEPT WITH HIM, she at least expected him to ask her to be part of his life in some way. Chris wants more: So when he said something wasn't right in your relationship, that hurt, right? RIGHT?? Tenley had no clue what he was talking about. Despite the fact that he said the EXACT SAME THING on the yacht the day before. She was pretty sure she had blocked that out with the whole blowjob thing. Apparently not. Harrison salts the wound: What was it? America wants to know! Tenley honestly doesn't know. She knows that when she sees Jake with Vienna (via her satellite imaging system she has tracking their every move) she sees a different more playful side of Jake. Maybe he just wants someone he can mud wrestle with. She's not really that type of girl, unless Jake had specifically mentioned that he wanted her to be that type of girl and then she would be. Harrison points out that Jake did tell her the day before the final rose ceremony that he thought they were lacking in physical chemistry. Could that possibly be the root of it? Tenley concedes that, yes, maybe that had something to do with it, but she felt pretty sure they had good chemistry. DID SHE MENTION THE BLOWJOB? Harrison nods, consolingly. Then he asks if she wants to see Jake. She's not so sure she does, no. This makes Harrison very eager to get him on the stage. LET THE AWKWARD ENSUE.
Episode Report CardLuluBates: A+ | 1261 USERS: B-
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