Bachelor
After the Rose

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Every Rose Has Its Thorn

It's After the Final Rose (also known as Hour Three of ABC's lame primetime offerings) and Chris Harrison wastes no time in assuring us that Jake proposed to Vienna from the bottom of his heart. But before the determinedly happy couple can make us all puke up rose petals and cupids, let's get a little sturm und drang (or as we say in English: really freakin' depressed). So Tenley comes out to cry for us and apologize for not making Jake happier and looking just so pretty and tanned and well coiffed that we'll forgive her. She gets a standing ovation from the all female audience. Harrison gives her a big old hug and notes that the audience loves her and that she seems nervous. Tenley agrees that she is nervous. Specifically she is nervous about seeing Jake. Their journey just seemed "so magical" as if it was populated by fairy godmothers and unicorns and extremely helpful mice and not 30 angsty slutty women. Harrison decides that she looks way too happy and thus takes her on a look back at her very VERY public humiliation. We are transported back to the Island of St. Lucia where Tenley is winding her way from the helicopter to Jake in a tight dress and high heeled shoes and it is taking a really long time to walk to her still unbeknownst humiliation and her disembodied voice is saying that she loves Jake and that she would happily spend the rest of her life with him. Then Jake takes her hands and recites all the things he loves about her. He cries as he announces he loves her. But doesn't love her enough to put a ring on it. Tenley's currently placid if slightly pained face is superimposed over past Tenley's tear-streaked sad face. As past Tenley says goodbye to the man of her dreams, current Tenley fixes her hair and adjusts her Miss Congeniality sash. Harrison wants to know what it's like looking at her past self get her heart broken on national television and Tenley explains that she just loved Jake so darn much. Harrison presses her for what SPECIFICALLY hurt the MOST. Like, sadistic much, Harrison? A tear rolls down Tenley's cheek as she explains that she was really confused because she was really confident in their relationship. I mean, she had slept with the man not twelve hours before. DOESN'T THAT MEAN ANYTHING? She really trusted in their relationship. She does not mention that he was actively dating Vienna and perhaps she should have only trusted as much as you can trust any man who is dating TWO women. Chris is still not satisfied. He wants to see her suffer more: When he got her out of the helicopter, she was in love with Jake, right? She would have married him, right? Tenley admits that even if she wasn't expecting a proposal, since she had JUST SLEPT WITH HIM, she at least expected him to ask her to be part of his life in some way. Chris wants more: So when he said something wasn't right in your relationship, that hurt, right? RIGHT?? Tenley had no clue what he was talking about. Despite the fact that he said the EXACT SAME THING on the yacht the day before. She was pretty sure she had blocked that out with the whole blowjob thing. Apparently not. Harrison salts the wound: What was it? America wants to know! Tenley honestly doesn't know. She knows that when she sees Jake with Vienna (via her satellite imaging system she has tracking their every move) she sees a different more playful side of Jake. Maybe he just wants someone he can mud wrestle with. She's not really that type of girl, unless Jake had specifically mentioned that he wanted her to be that type of girl and then she would be. Harrison points out that Jake did tell her the day before the final rose ceremony that he thought they were lacking in physical chemistry. Could that possibly be the root of it? Tenley concedes that, yes, maybe that had something to do with it, but she felt pretty sure they had good chemistry. DID SHE MENTION THE BLOWJOB? Harrison nods, consolingly. Then he asks if she wants to see Jake. She's not so sure she does, no. This makes Harrison very eager to get him on the stage. LET THE AWKWARD ENSUE.

Tenley will have to find something new to watch between the hours of 8 and midnight, Monday-Friday, because Jake's rugged good looks will be joining the cast of Dancing with the Stars next season. I am SO thrilled that I don't EVER have to watch that show. Harrison asks Tenley if she is ready to see Jake. She's not, but doesn't use her safe word, so Harrison chortles gleefully and brings out The Bachelor. Jake comes out wearing his sad eyes and a black suit. Tenley announces that Jake "smells so good," which is pretty much the most awkward thing you can say to someone who dumped you on national television. Jake looks uncomfortable and Tenley is all giggly and nervous and probably more touchy feely than she should be with someone SHE KNOWS is engaged. Jake smashes her smile to bits by announcing that the day on Mt. Misery was the best and worst day of his life. Tenley's smile fades as that sinks in. Tenley still doesn't understand what was missing. Jake doesn't think he'll be able to offer her any closure. There's nothing wrong with her, he had her up on a pedestal, she's just missing some "magical spark." She was perfect for him. But she wasn't perfect for him, you know what I mean? No, Jake, no one knows what the heck you are talking about. Tenley asks if it had something to do with the physical chemistry thing he was mumbling about on the yacht, but Jake says no, they had chemistry. And, I mean, it would be rude to say they didn't have chemistry after the whole post-fight make-up sex thing. This conversation is not really clearing anything up. Tenley has a question: Is Jake being unfair to Vienna if he felt so strongly about both of them? The audience claps resoundingly in appreciation for Tenley's tenacious question. Jake mumbles something about "magical sparks" and claims he and Vienna have it. He never thought your heart could love two people at once, but magically it could. He still loves Tenley and is very protective of her and swears she is a "life friend." Um, yeah, whatever the fuck a "life friend" is you know Vienna is having none of it. To her credit, Tenley is a little skeptical that Jake's significant other would be up for that, but she gamely thanks him anyway. Harrison halts his harassment and sincerely tells Tenley that she is one of the nicest and sweetest women they have ever had on The Bachelor. And with that Tenley is dismissed from the stage and swept back to Newberg, Oregon, where she can be the town's biggest attraction second only to the killer whale show at the Aquarium.

We come back from commercial and Jake is sitting with Harrison who is intent on needling him more about Tenley. Jake claims that Tenley is a "great friend" and he is so sorry he hurt her. Oh shut it, asshat. Chris tries to help him explain the unexplainable missing feeling, but gives up and then they move on to Vienna. Jake claims she's "his baby" and that he loves her and has never known heat like this before. And he's a pilot and has flown through Miami and knows "heat". Everyone claps at this display of love. Harrison wants to know SPECIFICALLY what Jake loves about her. He claims that once you get to know her she is the kindest most gentlest person over. Glad he added that "once you get to know her" caveat. He has been in several relationships where they date for a year and then he suddenly knows it's not right and now three weeks (months? who knows!) in with Vienna, he knows it is right. Harrison is very happy that Jake is in love with Vienna, but he has to know that she was not the popular choice. Jake shrugs because he knows who Vienna really is and he can't wait to one day call her his wife.

Finally, Harrison brings Vienna out on stage. She and Jake hug like they haven't seen each other in months. And, who knows, maybe they haven't. The timeline of this show is always confusing to me. Harrison just could not be happier to see the two of them together and Vienna is wearing her engagement ring and Jake hasn't changed his mind yet or anything. Vienna shows off her enormous ring

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