After the break, Harrison wants Jake and Vienna to talk about the future and babies and shit because they have been dating secretly for three months and time's a-wastin'. Vienna announces that she is moving to Dallas, effective immediately. No word on whether her daddy is coming with her. They haven't set a wedding date yet, but they most definitely will be doing that really soon they swear, no really, they are definitely getting married. To help kick start the romance (and maybe the baby making), Chris Harrison announces that they are being sent back to St. Lucia, which will hopefully curtail some of the tabloids and I am pretty sure America won't mind if those two stay in seclusion for, like, ever. Then for no apparent reason other than to fill more time, Jeffrey Osbourne comes out and serenades the couple with On the Wings of Love. To make sure everyone is incredibly uncomfortable, Jake and Vienna dance in a spotlight on stage. Harrison can't handle it and skedaddles. Jake kisses Vienna while she is giggling uncontrollably and then he dips her as the song ends. Jake mouths a thank you to Jeffrey Osbourne for the personal serenade, and then goes in for the big hug. Harrison finally gets his ass back on stage and cuts to commercial before announcing the next Bachelorette. I think the only uncertainty here is whether it will be Ali or Tenley. It's Ali. She is so honored and grateful and excited. But does she have vacation time from her job? And I think she and Tenley are wearing the same dress in different colors, which is sort of odd. Like wouldn't someone have mentioned it to them? Ali is really excited to get married and fall in love and have kids and she won't make the same mistake of having a job that she likes standing in her way. She is looking for a funny, smart, quirky guy who doesn't care if she doesn't have a job. But she isn't looking for a specific guy, but a specific feeling. Or at least a feeling other than "unemployment." She found love with Jake, so she KNOWS "the journey" of The Bachelor works. All I know is that they play one bar of "I Left My Heart in San Francisco" and I am SO out of there.
Lulu Bates a.k.a. Melissa Locker is a writer and radio producer in New York City. She is never watching this show again. You can follow her on Twitter (@woolyknickers).