Bachelor
Bachelorettes Compose Songs

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And You Can Tell Everybody This Is Your Song (But You Probably Won’t)

The next morning, Jason drops Molly off, and she does what used to be known in my college as the Walk of Shame. Molly jokes about that term, too, so I guess we DIDN'T invent it [Oh, heavens no! - Z], and all the women passively aggressively try to get some information, and Molly's purposely cryptic with her, "I didn't get much sleep last night." Shannon in particular can't hide the dismay on her face. Melissa: "I don't like that she smells like him and is wearing his pants right now." So leave. Seriously, leave. Refuse to be a part of this shit!

Jason shows up at the house for his group date. Shannon's excited about the date, because she hopes she comes off better than the rose ceremony, in which she was crying and vomiting. They pile into the limo, with Melissa in an interview saying she's stumped as to what the date's about, with its doctor theme. "Melissa's in need of some medical care by Dr. Mesnick, please," she fake announces into an intercom. Hee.

So everyone drinks wine in the limo. "Here's to playing doctor," says Jason, and then the limousine pulls up on the set of General Hospital. Hey, you guys are chicks, so you like soap operas, right? Of course, plenty of the women are beyond excited about it. So then the nimrods wander around the set and think that they're coming across an actual live set with a scene being recorded with a couple of people named Kirsten and Bradford who interrupt their "live" scene to welcome the starstruck women.

So the women are all going to work on scenes, like in costume and makeup, the whole thing. It's too insipid for words. Jillian gets a huge blond wig, and Naomi gets a maid costume. "I don't get a name, I'm just 'maid' because I'm a whore," she says. "I have a crush on Jason. I will go pretty far to get Jason," says Shannon. I think she might be talking about the character she's playing for this ridiculous cross-promotion, but I don't think anyone watching this has any doubt that Shannon would commit murder for Jason. It doesn't help that she's holding a prop knife.

So Jason's playing a doctor, and then somehow Shannon weasels in to kiss Jason, but the screen kiss rule is "no tongue," and in an interview she says, "I kissed Jason! I kissed him!" like we're all supposed to be excited for her and not actually nauseous.

After a commercial break that features an ad for General Hospital, the longer, more annoying General Hospital ad resumes on The Bachelor. Jason's not kidding when he calls himself the "world's worst actor," but he's facing stiff competition from Lauren, and the "director" of this scene, who pretends like this is serious. The other women seem to get annoyed at the amount of kissing Naomi gets to do. Lauren, who doesn't have a kissing scene, says it's annoying that her "future husband is kissing all these girls." Jillian's scene involves her character Dominique getting a proposal. And then some kissing. Shannon retreats into her own little world where she tells herself it's all fake, and all the times she's scribbled "Jason and Shannon" on her Note Tote will come true for really. This date is supposed to be the wacky hijinks portion of the episode, only as usual it makes me despair for all mankind.

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Bachelor

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