Ben Gives Out His Final Rose

Episode Report Card
admin: F | 1 USERS: A+
Swiss Cheese

Chris Harrison calls this "the most controversial finale in Bachelor history," which can't possibly be true BEFORE THE FUCKING THING AIRS. Ben is on a train going through a tunnel, which is either unintentionally hilarious or intentionally hilarious. Ben reminds us that he is currently banging Lindzi and Courtney, and he loves both of them, despite wanting more time with Lindzi and having some concerns about Courtney. And now we are forced to listen to that awful song about how "This year's love had better last," which of course is a sly commentary on the failure rate of this show. Ben hangs out in the shadow of the Matterhorn, which inspires him somehow.

And now his mom and sister show up, and he acts surprised to see them. His mom tells him he looks great, which just means that the producers finally forced Ben to wash the five-year leave-in conditioner out of his hair for the finale.

He tells his mom and sister that he needs some "outside perspective" and his mom says that they're there for him, and I think he's assigning them to dig up some dirt on the two broads that he has to choose from.

He talks about Lindzi first, who "lights up the room," Ben says for the fiftieth time already this episode. And now his sister is asking him if there was any woman who didn't get along with the other women, like try not to make it obvious how much you've been coached, and as Ben explains that yes, Courtney and the other women repel each other like The Bachelor and common sense, which his sister calls a "red flag."

And then Harrison arrives to tell us they have a special treat, and that they've assembled some of the summer's hottest heroes, by which he means they're just showing a trailer for The Avengers. I swear to GOD, this show.

Then Switzerland's long national nightmare continues as Lindzi shows up for a hug and a kiss with Ben, and they walk hand in hand to his chalet so she can meet his family. Ben introduces Julie or Julia and Barbara, and Lindzi tells us that she's fallen in love with Ben and wants to spend the rest of her life with him. Was that before or after Ben refers to his mom and sister as "my two ladies"? Because, ugh.

They sit down for lunch or supper or whatever they eat in Switzerland, and because this show is two hours of all filler, no killer, the mere act of Lindzi dropping her cutlery is treated like some kind of dealbreaker.

And now Lindzi is telling Ben's mom about how passionate Ben is, which is hilarious given that we never see Ben display any emotional level above that of someone in a coma. Barbara says it was sweet to meet her.

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