Bachelor
Bachelor

Episode Report Card
Miss Alli: C | 559 USERS: B-
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Aloha, Oy

In yet another interview, Kirsten says what we've already seen her say within in the last minute or so, which is that she likes Andrew, but that she's uneasy because he could be having just as good a time with the other girls. Back at lunch, Kirsten aims for a casual tone in saying that obviously, Andrew has feelings for Jen and Tina as well. Andrew looks stricken, because he's trying to remember who "Jen" and "Tina" are. Kirsten insists that Andrew doesn't tell her how he feels. He says he thinks he does that, but she says he doesn't really. He insists in an interview that he has told Kirsten that he has feelings for her, but that he simply can't "speculate" about how he feels about "the other ladies" (yech). Andrew seems not to understand that when they're your own feelings, it's not speculation. Feel for Andrew! Get Andrew a dictionary!

Andrew and Kirsten leave the restaurant and go outside to stare at the admittedly lovely but frankly rather clichéd snowy mountain view. "I had the best time with you today," he says. By which I think he quite literally means, "Being with you was the best time I had today." "Me, too," Kirsten says. They sit on something or other under a blanket and smooch, and it's all very...whatever. Mountainous and romantic, I suppose. And then they touch foreheads, and you know that means love. "We still have a great night planned," he says as she rests her head on his shoulder. "I know, hnn-hnn-hnn," she laughs again in that annoying closed-mouth way.

Later, Kirsten and Andrew leave for dinner together, in matching black jackets. They get into a horse-drawn carriage, because honestly, there's really no way to tell whether you like each other unless you have experienced every romantic trapping known to man. I'm honestly surprised one of them isn't being forced to contract a possibly fatal disease so that they can experience the "don't you die on me" death scene. I mean, they could have had Andrew appear to shuffle off this mortal coil, and then Kirsten could have flung her body over his chest and keened over him, and then he could have fluttered his eyes open and said, "All this for a rose?" And then she'd look at him in shock, and they'd laugh, and they'd know they're really in love. But for now, we'll have to settle for the horse-drawn carriage. You'll recall that we just watched them get into the carriage, but that doesn't stop Kirsten, in an interview, from explaining what we all just saw. I cannot tell you how much I hate that. Show it or have them recap it, but I do not need both. This isn't the Metropolitan Museum of Art, and I don't need a special accompanying audio track to explain the visuals, 'kay? Sheesh. Kirsten says she "had a feeling that it was going to be a great night." In the carriage, Andrew asks her possibly the most unnatural question ever, which is, "Favorite part of today so far?" "Definitely bobsledding," she says. Isn't that kind of what they've done so far? Was she supposed to say "lunch"? Andrew tells her that his best moment was when he first saw her. Probably because she wasn't talking, although he doesn't say that exactly. But believe me, I say it enough for both of us. She laughs her nasal laugh again, some more, and then there is more bad kissing. Increasingly, I sort of do think they should get married and have lots of vapid, dead-eyed children with pretty hair and various psychological complications.

Bachelor

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