In the interests of full disclosure, I should inform you that just last night, I blew a hole about the size of a quarter in one of my Firestone tires and endured quite the suburban roadside trauma. Stuck on the shoulder of the highway on a Friday evening and not willing to change a driver's-side tire in those circumstances, I had to wait for a rescue and hope it came on the first try, given the sad beeps of desperation being emitted by my dying cell phone. I am not saying I blame Andrew entirely for this event, but this is the era of corporate responsibility after all, and the least he can do is own up to the role he undoubtedly played. ["Um, I know you're not the regular recapper for this show, Miss Alli, so I'm going to forgive the fact that you confused Andrew with the tire Firestones. His family is all about wine, okay? Not tires." -- Wing Chun]
Previously, Andrew was a tool. He removed the big silver spoon from his mouth on occasion, but only to provide more room for his even bigger pedicured foot. He also appeared to be, not to put too fine a point on it, quite possibly the worst kisser ever. It became clear that the chicks on The Bachelor are a lot like oatmeal cookies: some are bumpier than others, some are sweeter than others, some are closer than others to the day they will go irreversibly stale, and some are less than fully cooked while others are downright burnt. In the end, though, they're all pretty much the same product, and if you're looking for anything else, you're not going to find it in this batch. On the hunt for the cookie of his dreams, Andrew ditched various dollies along the way, including most recently Liz the Earnest Weeper who had "nothing left," and Christina the Vengeful, who was sure Andrew had made a terrible mistake. Christina cried in the Limo of Banishment, looking very much like the 78% of high-school girls who hate their dates before the end of prom.
And now, it's time for all of us to gear up for Nookie Night between Andrew and his three remaining maids -- Kirsten, whose utterly icy personality does nothing to chill Andrew's punka-punka-burnin'-love for her; Jen, who is the girl you would get if you took the weighted average of every girl who has ever been on a reality dating show, ever; and Tina (Fabulous), who is trying to pull off the very difficult double-deke where you're the soft and mushy girl on one hand and the unfazed and aloof girl on the other. Good luck, Tina; many have tried, few have succeeded. Tonight, Andrew will send another one of these lovely women to the Limo of Banishment to lament her fate and wonder where it all went wrong, other than the part where she applied for the show.