Bachelor
Bowling For Dullards

Episode Report Card
Miss Alli: C- | 1 USERS: A+
YOU GRADE IT
Aloha, Oy

And now, it's time for the envelope, which Andrew produces with the completely smarmy comment, "As fate would have it...." Jen tries to look surprised. Fantasy suite, et cetera. They agree, as the couples often do, to "check it out," which is a nice way to move the action from the table to the bedroom without saying, "So, do you want to do it, or what?" Andrew gives Jen a piggyback ride to the suite to show off what a giant stud he is. Since she probably weighs all of twelve pounds, I certainly hope his spine survived the strain. They enter a luxuriously appointed, and to my eye completely boring, hotel suite. Andrew says Jen's eyes got "as big as saucers." I'm sorry, isn't that simile from eighteenth-century novels about Christmas? I mean, can your eyes get "as big as saucers" in any situation other than upon seeing a plate of elaborate pastries after a lifetime living in an English hovel? Andrew and Jen sit on the couch and canoodle, discussing the sound of the rain. Jen interviews that "it felt right" and that they "fit." However, she also says, "The thing I'm most afraid of is getting my heart broken." Well, sure. What if you came so close to being with the wonder that is Andrew, and then you lost him? I know that would certainly break my heart. Or it would, if he didn't dress like such a weenie. Nice baby blue button-down, Li'l Vintner. "Jen gives me sort of a warm feeling in my stomach," Andrew tells us as they make out, apparently having a limited understanding of his own anatomical geography. Along those same lines, Andrew tells us that he, too, is interested in finding out where his head is. (Look in your ass, Andrew, look in your ass!)

Andrew asks Jen whether she thinks that they should stay in the fantasy suite. She nods happily, just proud to represent the middle layer of Andrew's Girl Sandwich. Andrew works his favorite studly move some more -- that would be Pushing The Hair Out Of Your Eyes Even If It Is Not In Your Eyes To Begin With -- and we're mercifully out. No door-closing shot. Maybe they did it with the door open.

When we return from commercials, we swoop down over the ultra-green mountains and ultra-blue water of Hawaii. Wow, Tina gets Hawaii and Kirsten got Utah. How equitable. (Nothing against Utah -- I love any lake featuring several feet of rotting brine shrimp.) The palm trees blow in the breeze as Andrew tells us that he's here in "sunny Hawaii" to see Tina. He tells us that today is all about finding out whether Tina will ever open up to him, and "if she wants to be here." Andrew waits on a stretch of white sand, and as Tina approaches in her very small bikini, Andrew says that remarkably, seeing her on the beach reminded him of how much he missed her. They hug, and he gives her two of the three leis he's wearing around his neck. Oh, for God's sake, I'm not doing that joke. Tina voices over that in her mind, Jen and Kirsten already have the last two roses, so she's just spending the day trying to steal one of them away. Keep that in mind as you observe the totality of Tina's behavior, and see it if doesn't give you the creeping skeeves.

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Bachelor

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