Bachelor
Bowling For Dullards

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Miss Alli: C- | 1 USERS: A+
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Aloha, Oy

Later, Kirsten and Andrew leave for dinner together, in matching black jackets. They get into a horse-drawn carriage, because honestly, there's really no way to tell whether you like each other unless you have experienced every romantic trapping known to man. I'm honestly surprised one of them isn't being forced to contract a possibly fatal disease so that they can experience the "don't you die on me" death scene. I mean, they could have had Andrew appear to shuffle off this mortal coil, and then Kirsten could have flung her body over his chest and keened over him, and then he could have fluttered his eyes open and said, "All this for a rose?" And then she'd look at him in shock, and they'd laugh, and they'd know they're really in love. But for now, we'll have to settle for the horse-drawn carriage. You'll recall that we just watched them get into the carriage, but that doesn't stop Kirsten, in an interview, from explaining what we all just saw. I cannot tell you how much I hate that. Show it or have them recap it, but I do not need both. This isn't the Metropolitan Museum of Art, and I don't need a special accompanying audio track to explain the visuals, 'kay? Sheesh. Kirsten says she "had a feeling that it was going to be a great night." In the carriage, Andrew asks her possibly the most unnatural question ever, which is, "Favorite part of today so far?" "Definitely bobsledding," she says. Isn't that kind of what they've done so far? Was she supposed to say "lunch"? Andrew tells her that his best moment was when he first saw her. Probably because she wasn't talking, although he doesn't say that exactly. But believe me, I say it enough for both of us. She laughs her nasal laugh again, some more, and then there is more bad kissing. Increasingly, I sort of do think they should get married and have lots of vapid, dead-eyed children with pretty hair and various psychological complications.

Andrew tells us that he felt "like the luckiest man alive," what with the carriage ride (did you hear they had a carriage ride?) and the trip to the "private restaurant" with the woman he feels like he's falling in love with. Wow, how committal. Inside, as they sit at the dinner table, Andrew asks Kirsten what her biggest fear is, coming out of this experience in three weeks. I really wish she'd told the truth, which is, "I am terrified that after this, I will never be on television again, and will have to go back to not being famous at all, and I will have known fame and then lost it, and it will be just like Flowers For Algernon." But she doesn't. She feeds Andrew the morsel he's begging for, which is that her biggest fear is that she won't end up with him. She continues trolling for the morsel she wants, which is "confirmation" that he's going to pick her, which she understands he can't provide. Except, of course, that she doesn't understand, which is why she keeps trolling for it in a variety of ways. He tells her that of course he can give her confirmation -- of the way he feels about her, just not of the way he feels about anybody else. Can he really be this dense? Can he really think that confirming how you feel about somebody is meaningful when it's divorced from the "what the hell are you going to do about it?" follow-up? God. Talk is cheap, Kid Rockefeller. Andrew tells her that even though he can't tell her exactly what his plan is, he would hope she can read his body language. God, that is so cheesy. I'm surprised he doesn't add, "In Braille," and then waggle his eyebrows. She says, "Right, like, I feel you're really into me," and I can barely hear the rest of what she says through my own tears of laughter. This is the best mutual emotional outpouring ever. And also an impressive display of smartiosity. They go back and forth some more about how she knows he could be doing the same thing with other people at the same time, blah dee blah. He calls that the "hiccup" in the whole thing. And by "hiccup," of course, he means "premise." Andrew quite brilliantly surmises in an interview that Kirsten is nervous about him going on "overnight dates" (finger-quote that, incidentally, every time you read it) with two other women right after he goes on an "overnight date" with her. Andrew says that all he could offer was reassurance that when he's with Kirsten, he's only thinking about Kirsten. And I think that's really all that we chicks want from fidelity, isn't it? I mean, we don't mind y'all sleeping around, as long as you're not thinking about more than one of us at a time. Surprisingly, this does not seem to make Kirsten entirely happy. She trolls some more about how she could never have "such strong feelings" for three people at the same time, desperately trying to get Andrew to tell her that he doesn't have strong feelings for the other women. He does not oblige. In her interview, Kirsten tells us that not only are her feelings strong for Andrew, but that they're stronger than the feelings that the other girls have for him. Because she would know, of course. They eat. She trolls for hints.

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