Why are we opening the show with Michelle? She's got a black eye? What does she mean, "Only this could be happening to me"? Over breakfast she asks the other bachelorettes who kicked her ass while she was sleeping. Everyone's a suspect! She thinks the black eye means that she deserves a one-on-one date with Brad. Exactly what the logic behind that is, she does not explain.
Anyway, the first date card arrives, and it reads: "Chantal -- How deep is your love? Brad." She's not the Shawntel who's a funeral director, she's the Chantal with the huge rack. Brad shows up to say hello to everyone, and Michelle instantly tries to monopolize the conversation by sulking about her black eye. As usual, Brad really doesn't know how to react when a womanfolk opens up to him. In fairness to Brad, who has ever just woken up with a black eye? Ashley S. says she wishes she had given Michelle the black eye. "I want to rip her head off," she tells us. Ashley pulls into the "I like her best!" lead.
Then a helicopter arrives, and all the women freak out, and Chantal is all, "I'm going on an amazing date with an amazing guy!" and is super impressed by the helicopter, even though it usually happens a couple of times per season, and it's not like it's Brad's own fucking helicopter or anything.
Anyway, Chantal is scared of her feelings for Brad, because she married her high school sweetheart, and then she hasn't really dated since she got divorced. It's a shame to think that this cutie has been off the market for -- how long can it possibly have been? A year or two?
So they head off to Catalina Island, and she just wants to hang out with Brad and "feel the romance." Not coincidentally, I understand that Brad refers to his penis as "the romance." Brad says he's wanted to take Chantal out on a date for "so long," which is weird because doesn't he decide who he dates?
So for this date they're going to walk on the sea floor. "It's a huge thing, to get me to go in the ocean. I don't just do that," Chantal tells us, whatever that's supposed to mean. So they get into their wetsuits, and Chantal talks herself into getting into the water, because not doing something that absolutely petrifies her might make Brad think she won't take chances on him, or some stupid thing. [She also freaked out because it was "so far out in the water", but the camera panned and we could see the shore, so really, I'm thinking Chantal is more than a little overdramatic. - Angel]