As we begin the second episode, let us all hope that Brad got all the unnecessary apologizing out of his system in the premiere. Not that this show has any lack of recurring themes. For example, Brad has not only been given a second chance, but an "amazing" second chance. He greets the morning by marveling that things just got "so real," which is a phrase that long ceased to have any sort of meaning on this show. He apparently wants to find someone that he can throw a football to instead of just aimlessly tossing it up and down to himself. I'm going to go ahead and assume the editor is using the football self-tossing as a sly masturbation reference.
While the women hang out in the mansion, Chris Harrison strolls in and goes over the rules of the game -- the rules set down by the Marquess of Queensberry 150 years ago.
Ashley H., the dentist artist, gets the first date, which she thinks is an "honour," which has to be the loosest use of that word ever. She's excited because she's the first one he's going out with. Yeah, THIS season. She is outfitted in a dress that has single-handedly depleted the world's supply of lamé. He says he just wants the date to be a lot of fun, unlike those dates where the woman hopes you have a dentist's appointment or tax preparation lined up. "Have her home before ten!" yells someone in the house, while some other hatchet-face moans how perfect he is, what with the suit, the hair. I believe that might be Raichel. You will remember -- probably unfortunately -- that Raichel is the "manscaper."
Brad tells us that Ashley has no clue where they're going, which is also something serial killers can say. And they drive down a darkened road (with the car's interior lights on so we can better see the growing horror on Ashley's face). But instead of one or both of them being brutally murdered like they would if this were a perfectly indecent slasher flick, it turns out he's leading her to a carnival that is all for them. Because carnivals set up in the darkness on the edge of town aren't creepy enough, let's have one with just two people! The Bachelor is horrifying enough on its own, but the carnival is upping the creepiness factor, especially as it reminds me of the opening of The Lost Boys. Here's hoping Brad doesn't get all oiled up and rock out with a saxophone. Unless that's your thing. (That's no one's thing.)
Brad lets Ashley flip the switch that turns on the lights on all the rides, and unfortunately no one gets electrocuted. We watch what feels like three hours' worth of these two nimrods playing carnival games, which means this is going to be one of those dates where the Bachelor marvels at how his date was able to drop her intellectual façade for once and unleash her inner child. Brad actually appears to injure Ashley at one point when they high-five.