Going to commercial, we watch an absolutely incomprehensible PSA that features a Southern Belle, a butch injured bullfighter, a cougar and a dominatrix who's also a vampire. And this is because donating blood is like Brad's quest for love: it takes all types. This film is the Un Chien Andalou of public service announcements. And that will be the only time this PSA airs (I imagine the Red Cross had to agree to air at least one of these ridiculous ads), but it's too late: I'm demanding back all the blood I've donated in protest. Also of note: Brad doesn't get any lines. That's how amazing an actor he is.
Oh, hey, a rooftop bar, how extremely unprecedented and special on this show! Brad leads a toast in which he specifically asks for no drama, which is kind of like showing up to play football and asking to not get tackled. Or going on the overnight dates on this show and asking not to get gonorrhea. Melissa takes him aside to let him know that her extremely awkward kiss during the Red Cross thing means that she's not this "wild, crazy, slutty" girl, and she manages to be even more off-putting and awkward, and now Brad is taking "the birthday girl" aside which is nice for her because each complaint about her birthday gets worse, like I think she's at the point where she is sincerely offended that other people actually exist on her birthday.
She's drunk off her ass when they talk. Meanwhile, Melissa is talking to Raichel the manscaper and ... Marissa? Maybe? And Melissa rather ridiculously tears maybe-Marissa a new arsehole for interrupting, and then she starts mixing it up with Raichel, lecturing her on how she seems like a 21-year-old. That's kind of out of context for us, since the ages have been omitted from the on-screen IDs this season, which is rumoured to be because they don't want to creep everyone out by constantly reminded us how much older Brad is than any of the women he's dating here.
And then Brad goes and gives the rose to Michelle, which is the stupidest possible thing he could possibly do. Rewarding her awful, awful behaviour. "I feel like I got everything I wanted for my birthday," she says, while the other women bemoan the coming apocalypse. And she puts the rose between her teeth, and the petals all turn black and fall off.
So Jackie's got a one-on-one date. "This date is Jackie's very own Pretty Woman experience," says Brad, and it's always promising when your date compares you to a prostitute. Only he doesn't so much mean that she has sex for money, but she will get to do a lot of shopping and pampering.
They are going to wear robes, and Jackie says she wouldn't have imagined she'd be in a robe on a first date, but she bet Brad looks good in one, and also she wants to see his penis.
And then Brad brings her a room full of dresses and shoes, all for her. "It's the most unbelievable thing I've ever been surprised with," she says, by which I guess means that of all of the unbelievable things she's been surprised with, this is the unbelievablest.
Oh, dear. Here we go with this season's contestant who is separated from her child. I mean, I like Emily enough (by which I mean she's a contestant who hasn't given me as much reason to hate her as others have), but either stay home with your kid or quit whining about how you're not with your kid. Oh, and you lose some sympathy when you do the whole "when do I tell Brad that someone else impregnated me" routine. There are many things that I don't understand about this show. Chief among them are women who make this into a bigger deal than it needs to be. Are you worried your having a child is a problem for him? If it is, he's probably a douche and not worth your time anyway, but best to find out as soon as possible, right? Then you get to go home and be with your child and we don't have to watch tear-filled scenes of you doing that reality-show-talk-at-cellphone-method thing.
So Jackie has picked out a dress, and Brad has another surprise for her -- expensive jewelry! And despite this being a Pretty Woman date, he doesn't snap the box shut on her hand as she reaches for it. Also, no Hector Elizondo. Worst Pretty Woman date ever!
And then they go to the Hollywood Bowl, which has "For Jackie, Love Brad" on the sign out front, and Brad uses the word "literally" properly, and he tells us that this is a famous musical landmark where the Beatles and Elton John and Hendrix have all played. Wow, he's really building up some tough acts to follow.
So they sit and have dinner at the Hollywood Bowl, and Brad seems drunk or even high with his outsized reactions to everything she says. She says she's only dated a couple of guys and Brad reacts like she says that someday she hopes to kill hobos and bury them in her basement, and then just when you think things can't get any weirder, the stage spins around revealing Train, who are apparently still a going concern. You remember, that "Drops of Jupiter" song that was so annoying forty years ago? Yeah, them. Yeah, I guess they're still a band. [Editor's Note: Oh, how I envy your blissful existence free of "Hey, Soul Sister" last year, Daniel! -- Mindy] Somehow not surprisingly, Train seems perfectly comfortable performing for an audience of only two people, but for Jackie and Brad, I'd think it would be weird to be the only two people there and be forced to maintain eye contact with The Singer From Train and pretend that you are really into their musical stylings.
Anyway, Jackie gets a rose and they kiss and Train sings a song that includes the lyric "marry me" but I fast-forwarded a lot of this, mainly to protest Brad pretending that Train is on the level of the Beatles, Elton John or Hendrix.
On to the cocktail party now, where Brad has barely finished toasting the women when Michelle swoops in to take him away to ask him important questions like "Do you prefer Starbucks or The Coffee Bean?" He actually says, "Are you serious?" which earns him some points from me and she says she is, and he says, "Starbucks" and that earns him a fistbump.
When she's done with this nonsense, she struts back and sits with the other women and can't be bothered to make up a good reason for whisking him away so early. She explains that she just asked random questions like whether he prefers Starbucks or The Coffee Bean.
"You're being serious? That's really what you asked him? I thought you were being a smartass," says Emily, earning a million points from me. She manages to say it sweetly enough to make it hard for someone to tell if she's taking a dig at Michelle, which is wise because I think Michelle may have the power to turn people to stone.
And Melissa is lecturing Raichel and her boobs about what an awful person Raichel and her boobs are. Raichel and her boobs would really rather not get into it with her, but they don't mind getting up and walking elsewhere to tell other people what a vile person Melissa is. Melissa goes on to make other women miserable by ranting about Raichel and her boobs endlessly. And now Melissa is crying, and Raichel and her boobs are near tears as well.
Melissa sits down with Brad to tearfully recount that she is the "targeted girl" in the house. What is this, the third day in the house? Melissa's too much of a nutjob to realize she's writing her own ticket off the show as she cries and calls Raichel an "energy suck" and says, "Raichel has been literally pulling the positive energy right out of me," and Brad looks really uncomfortable, but he tells us that he hates to see women cry, and he vows to get to the bottom of it. And now