And then out comes the Pimp Chris Harrison card, the one that offers them a fantasy suite if they choose to use it together. "Would you care to join me?" says Brad, and Chantal is so excited that she wants to leave right now, and then Brad points out where the fantasy suite is. It's an open-air treehouse. I mean, it's like the nicest treehouse I've ever seen, but still: treehouse. All future bachelorettes might be wise to reserve a decision on the Pimp Card until they find out if the fantasy suite has a goddamn roof.
So anyway, Brad and Chantal fuck in a treehouse.
"Last night was incredible," Brad tells us. I hope he's at least showered, because here comes Emily. They run into each other's arms and hug, and then Brad says he forgot something, and Emily stands there alone, and seems genuinely afraid that a lion might eat her. If I were ever on The Bachelor, I'd be much more worried about NOT being eaten by a lion.
And then Brad shows up on the back of an elephant, and then they ride around on the elephant for a while, and talk about stupid things, and say stupid things like "This feels like The Lion King but better," whatever THAT'S supposed to mean -- "Yay! No fatal stampedes!" -- and now they are talking about Emily's daughter, and Brad says he wishes her daughter was there, which is a big fat lie, considering he was too scared to kiss Emily with her daughter around, and then Emily asks him if he's ready for a five-year-old, and Brad takes MUCH too long to figure out what the correct answer is (yes). And then they make out while we watch some elephants playing with each other.
Dinner time, and Emily looks great, and I don't think Brad has even changed his clothes. Hey, they're showing the women's ages on the on-screen graphics now! I missed that development. Anyway, Emily is thrilled that Brad says he's ready to be a father figure.
Brad's really nervous: "There's so many things I want to know, it's crazy," he says. Emily tells us that she can be hard to read some times, which might be true if you consider a completely blank page hard to read. Anyway, the two of them babble on at each other about feelings or whatever. I thought that maybe having two weeks off while I was in Europe might have recharged me and let me be able to process the things they say, but by this point in any given Bachelor season, I'm completely worn down by the inane nonsense that these idiots spew, that in no way resembles any conversation any adults in adult relationships have. I mean, they talk for ten minutes and I cannot make sense of any of it.