Bachelor
Brad and the Women Go to South Africa

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"What's Wrong with You? Tell Me."
enis inside you tonight!" smile.

And then they get to another fantasy suite, which at least has a fucking roof over it, and then we hear more about how Emily has only ever said "I love you" to one other person, and then these two ninnies sit in the fantasy suite and Emily manages to tell Brad that she's "falling in 'love'" with him (I think I should start putting "love" in quotes at all times when I do these recaps) and Brad is thrilled and says he's falling in love with her too, and then they make out, and this is so sweet except for the fact that if Emily concentrates, I bet she can taste Chantal. Anyway, regardless of what goes on, the show does its usual "pan away from kissing couple to imply impending coitus" routine.

Brad talks about how amazing this week has been. Yeah, he's having a new woman delivered to him every night, and it's not like they don't know about each other or anything. Anyone other than The Bachelor tries this, he winds up on Springer.

Anyway, poor Ashley gets sloppy Brad thirds. And then Ashley sees a helicopter and reacts like Brad just showed her pictures of her family being murdered. But then Brad tells her that he's ridden on helicopters lots and nothing has happened. Yeah, remind her about all the other times you've been on helicopters: dates with other women.

Thank god Ashley eventually gets her shit together and just gets on the damn helicopter already, and then we get some jaw-dropping views of the South African landscape. Then they land, defiling a stunning vista known as "God's Window," and Ashley says, "Is this real life?" Yup. Good relationships are built on a solid foundation of South African helicopter excursions, which will happen frequently if you marry Brad!

Their conversation during the picnic makes me really rue the fact that neither of them fell out of the helicopter. Both of them start yammering on about how driven they are to accomplish things in their careers. I've found that people who say things like that are generally more concerned with convincing people they're ambitious instead of, you know, actually ambitious. "You know what I have to offer," says Ashley, totally jumping the gun on tonight's Pimp Card.

Brad says their conversation made him realize that up until now, neither of them have talked about their individual lives with each other. And yet somehow this woman is in the top three of your potential future wives, hey? Not that this show isn't a great way to find a spouse or anything.

And now it's dinner time. Brad says his conversation left him with more questions, but he wants to make this work. "It's a traditional South African feast. There's a fire blazing, and... it's just the perfect setting to have a date," says Ashley, who then goes on about the fun and playful path they're on. "We just have to start talking about some serious things," she says. Yeah, since Brad is a week away from a potential proposal, now would be a good time. Now Ashley is talking about how she wants to be Superwoman, and she wants him to believe that. Yeah, this is what I'm talking about: People Who Accomplish versus People Who Want To Be Seen As People Who Accomplish.

And now they are talking about where they would live, and Brad gives Ashley grief because she hasn't mentioned Austin. "Well, I've never been to Austin," says Ashley, which clearly doesn't impress Brad, because that's where he is. Yet again on this show, it seems to be taken as read that the woman will move to wherever the Bachelor lives. The conversation gets increasingly stilted as the two of them talk about how bad they are about talking about the things they want to talk about. But at least they're talking about actual relationship logistics, instead of the usual stupid shit about "putting myself out there" and other such nonsense.

But then the Chris Pimp card comes out, and Ashley jumps all over it, but then they get to the fantasy suite and try to kiss but they're incredibly awkward. I mean, I've never been to a place that requires mosquito nets for people to make it through the night, but I don't think they'd be a main topic of conversation with sex looming.

"I just want to talk to Ashley like we used to talk, but we're taking steps back. I just want my Ashley back, the one I fell for," says Brad. The Ashley you just assumed would follow you to Austin, whatever that means, for her career or life plans.

Then it's time for Brad and Chris Harrison to rehash everything that happened so Brad can say stupid things about the stupid dates and call Harrison "man" about 50 million times.

"On one side, I'm so happy, man. I'm getting there, with feelings, with where I've always wanted to be. But on the other side, I'm torn. I don't want to say goodbye to any of these three women." Yeah, it's tough to say goodbye to any of the three women you're having no-strings-attached sex with.

And now we get the video pleas -- Chantal talks about walls coming down, and a leap of faith, and by now it has to be evident that Chantal got her double helping of breasts by skipping the brains line. Emily thanks him for bringing so much happiness into his life, and she knows she hasn't made it easy for him to know how she's feeling. She loves who he is as a person, and she hopes he'll be a part of her life forever. And then things quickly go south with Ashley, doggedly striving for "honesty" in her video. She says the hometown date was great, but "everything kind of vanished" because things changed really quickly in South Africa, and she's not sure if she's a part of what he wants. Not going to be much in the way of suspense, is there? Brad says her video message threw him off, because it sounds like she's checking out. "I don't know if it's a defence mechanism," he says. But he's going to find out! No matter how awkward/boring it is for us to watch!

Meanwhile, Harrison has led all three of the women out to a platform where they are presumably easy pickings for some South African carnivore. Anyway, Brad comes out, and he's -- surprise! -- very awkward, and then he asks Emily and Chantal to excuse him while he talks to Ashley. And they go off somewhere and sit down, and he loses me instantly by starting off with "I want to be so real" and then babbles on about how bad their date was, and he's so shocked at how their relationship has gone in such a completely different direction from where it had been going. He says the questions he was asking came from a place of sincerity. "I'm sitting here, very broken-hearted," he says. Paid to shit, and only farted? She gets a little misty-eyed as she talks about the frustration she feels because they could have had something good if she knew how to do it better. I literally have no idea what they're talking about. "I think you're so exceptional. I don't know what to say," he says, and then figures it out, by telling her goodbye right now. Well, no shit. So she stands up, and he's all, "So that's it?" LIKE YOU JUST TOLD HER GOODBYE, and she says she's surprised (she is?) but she's not going to beg him to change his mind. He says that's not what he wants. But it's totally what he wants. He walks her out to the luxury limo jeep, and tries one last time to figure out what went wrong, but surprisingly, saying, "What's wrong with you? Tell me," fails to change anything.

Ashley's all sniffles on the ride out, as she talks about a spark not being enough, and things getting "lost in translation" and a whole lot of other clich├ęs that countless women have made on similar rides away from the parade of douchebags who have served as various iterations of The Bachelor.

So Brad goes in for a good ol' emotional-railing-leaning! By gar, it's been a while! He says this is really crazy because he always thought Ashley would one of the last two women standing, and that she was going to meet his family. But as we all know, Bachelor results are legally binding, so he must never ever see her again ever.

So Brad now has to go out and somehow convince Chantal and Emily that they're staying not because Ashley just went home, even t

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