"Costa Rica really is magical," Brad tells us, as we watch a helicopter fly across the pristine beauty of the country, while Brad tells us again about how much he's changed, and how vulnerable he is, and how he hopes Costa Rica provides some answers, which is unfair pressure on Costa Rica.
And then we get lots of crappy video footage of the women saying "Costa Rica!" in stereotypical Alex Trebek accents, and someone wants to get "down and dirty" with Brad in the jungle, and someone says "luscious greenery" when I hope they really meant "lush greenery." The women ooh and ahh at a volcano that unfortunately does not erupt and bury them all in a sea of lava.
The women reunite with Brad at the hotel. "He looked well rested and really excited to be here," says someone, which is just overwhelming in its enthusiasm. We hear about all the amenities of the hotel, like its infinity pool overlooking the volcano. "It just feels so organic," says Ashley H., which is in the running for most eyepoke-deserving statement I've heard this season. Remind me to ask the travel agent to make sure our hotel feels "organic" on our next vacation.
And we get to the date card right away for Chantal O. "Close your eyes, hold on tight, love is in the air tonight," it reads, and she's thrilled. Meanwhile, Michelle tells us that she's not sure why Chantal's name was on the date card, although she does hope that Chantal gets attacked by monkeys. "Or apes." But not both, because that would be cruel.
Chantal gets ready for her date, and she tells us that she's freaking out because of how she melted down last time or whatever. I don't really remember because I use a Men in Black-esque memory wipe after every episode. "I feel like Brad is doubting everything and questioning how he feels about me," she says.
I cannot express in words how tired I am of the Bachelor always explaining how "excited" he is for the woman to see the date that's been prepared.
"It's really hard for her to watch me with the other ladies," says Brad, so tonight is all about Chantal, like yeah, that's how dates work.
Back at the hotel, Michelle talks poison about Chantal and how she really doesn't think Chantal will be coming back tonight. Since Chantal is eminently more likable and fun than Michelle, I can see why Michelle would think that a connection with Chantal spells bad news for her, but her failure to acknowledge the fact that Brad likes her makes me wonder if she didn't actually hire, like, jungle blowgun assassins to take Chantal out.
"I'm not going to let anything stop me from falling in love with Brad," says Chantal, as we watch endless shots of the helicopter flying over the jungle canopy. Brad tells us that he thinks Chantal isn't sure what he's got in store, which of course she doesn't, because he hasn't TOLD her.
Turns out they're going on a zipline, and Brad uses some tortured metaphor to explain that this date is all about taking their relationship to new heights. I'd like to point out that usually you zip DOWN but never mind. And then it starts to rain, notes Chantal. "Is it raining? Ooh, it is raining," says Brad. Somewhere, Andie McDowell says, "Oh, terrible line reading."
But they do it anyway, and Brad seems to think it's amazing that Chantal didn't turn into a helpless quivering mess in the rain, like it's not a monsoon or anything. "This is a girl that I could definitely hang out with the rest of my life, no doubt about it," he tells us, but he can't wait to go to a more intimate location a little later.
Alli still hasn't had a one-on-one date, and she's starting to get pissed about all the group dates, so she's trepidatious about the card.
"Love springs eternal. Jackie, Michelle, Emily, Ashley, Shawntel and Britt are going on the group date," and Alli's going to get a later one-on-one date, which she is mystifyingly jazzed about.
Meanwhile, Chantal and Brad are going for a picnic on the beach, and they are drinking wine. "I'm ready to move on and start the next chapter of my life," Chantal tells us, which is an easy thing to feel when you've spent the day ziplining and then drinking wine on the beach.
Anyway, then actual rain starts almost instantly, which unfortunately results in maybe the dullest story ever: "We were like, oh my god, what do we do? We gotta get out of here?" says Chantal, and Brad tells us that he's taking the date and the rose elsewhere. Really? You're not going to stay out there?
Back at the hotel, Michelle sees the downpour and assumes that the voodoo she's been using has been effective.
So Brad and Michelle are back at a resort or some house where Brad had been planning to take his dates all along? You know, for the sex? I'm very confused by this house.
Chantal changes out of her wet clothes into a men's shirt, which is a weakness of mine. And then they have a boring conversation about Chantal breaking down, and Brad tells her not to do that anymore. So much for being honest. In other words, I want you to open up but not so much that I feel uncomfortable. Anyway, what woman could resist being told to shut up about her damn feelings? Not Chantal, because next thing you know they are making out. "I'm crazy about you," she whispers, which means everyone watching leans in to hear the traditional Bachelor non-committal response that he hopes doesn't make him come across as too much of a douchebag. Brad looks all thoughtful and says, "This could happen every night," he says, like this just occurring to him. Jesus, what a phony. "I want it to, to be with you," she whispers.
Then he gives her the rose and they coo at each other, and she talks about how glad she is that she can be herself with him, even though he just accused her of playing games when she gets emotional, so Chantal is some kind of delusional right here.
The next day, Michelle is listing all the things she hates: group dates, rain, Chantal, joy. What a treat Michelle is for everyone. "Brad is not Chantal's man. He's mine," she tells us.
Anyway, today's date is all about "adventure and facing fear" Brad tells us, and constantly overuses the word "ladies" as he talks about how careful he has to be to divide his time equally.
So they're rappelling down a waterfall, and Jackie tells us that she's scared of heights, so Brad tries to comfort her by telling her about how when he and Michelle went rappelling, it felt great to get to the bottom. Meanwhile, Michelle is making her stinkface, because she says that she and Brad made a pact to never go rappelling with anyone else, which is either a) too stupid to be true or b) too stupid to take seriously if it is true.
So one by one the women slowly make their way down the waterfall. "Brad is amazing. He was telling everybody they're going to be OK!" says Ashley, which is one of those statements a woman makes on this show that really makes me wonder what kind of assholes they usually date, that basic human interaction rates as "amazing."
Anyway, Michelle makes crazy eyes while Jackie makes her way down. She says she doesn't want to diminish how hard this is -- because she's still pretending that she actually was scared of heights but now is cured -- but calls the whole thing "quite a production," unlike her own freaking out on top of the building. "It's really annoying to see Brad be so nice to the other girls," she says. Michelle's one of those women who like to watch their boyfriends fight all the other guys at the truck stop, isn't she?
Anyway, she's the last one left, and then we find out that Brad does remember the pact they made, so they're going down together. That makes Michelle cheerful instantly. Brad tells us that Michelle's mood changed instantly, but he hasn't yet figured out that this is evidence of just what a psycho Michelle is. Jackie's disappointed that he didn't go down with her, so Brad's kinda justified in telling us that now he's worried that the other women will be jealous of the attention given to Michelle.
So now they're all going to hang