Bachelor
Brad Goes on Hometown Dates

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Chantal/Shawntel

Oh god, oh god, oh god, why did I volunteer to fill in on "The Bachelor"? What was I thinking? I don't even watch this show ...at least not in public with witnesses that can use this recap to prove my mental instability and take control of my assets. Good thing I don't have any assets, eh? Damn you, Daniel! You vacationing mofo. Yarf, let's just get through this together, okay? Hold me?

When Brad wakes up in New York City, there are only four women left. The rest he has tossed aside like day old egg rolls, dirty diapers, and used Daisy razors. Brad takes us on a tour of his remaining ladyfolk in case you haven't been watching (or like to keep up the charade that you haven't been watching) and need the refresher. First is Chantal. She's lovely, but perhaps a bit too emotional to have signed up for nationally televised heartbreak. Then there's Ashley who is more fun than a barrel of methed-up monkeys and will wear high heels to a fairground with NO FEAR OF CARNIES. Brad really likes Ashley and her happy energy, but they have hit speed bumps in that Ashley has questioned Brad's feelings for her what with him dating twelve other women and all. He wants her to commit fully before he offers more than a 1/4 share of commitment.

Then there's the other Shawntel who is from Chico, California which means she probably went to high school with my friend, but since I don't watch this show I would never ask. Then there is the sad porcelain doll, Emily. She is broken, but in a pretty way that makes Brad want to fix her and love her and squeeze her and hold her and keep her in a pretty glass box. Emily's daughter is the big... let's not say problem, but, you know, problem. He has to win over the daughter. And that little brat had better like him or else he will break mommy's heart into a million smithereens. Again. But Brad reassures us that he is totally stable and emotionally prepared and ready for L-O-V-E. No, really. And don't read Us Weekly okay. I mean, don't read it ever, but especially don't read last week's edition where his hometown ex-girlfriend gives her take on the whole New Brad thing. That girl was nothing but sour grapes and lost chances and didn't mean it when she said Brad only got a few months of therapy and not years.

Chantal is so excited to bring Brad to her hometown of Seattle. She even arranged for it to be sunny for his visit so he won't get all bummed by the grey weather and fleece and instead will only see Seattle in its sunniest party dress that will lure Brad into thinking the weather is always delightful. I wonder if the producers actually hung around Seattle for days and days waiting for good weather before they filmed. Chantal has dressed like a flight attendant for her Big Date. She reminds us that she is very close to her family and this is Brad's only chance to meet them before she is potentially * fingers crossed * engaged to the Big B. Chantal has her hand on Brad's meaty thigh and the camera zooms in on it a few times so we know that Chantal is willing to go all the way if necessary to win's Brad love. She is the gay divorcee and all, so she doesn't even have to pretend she's virginal. Brad reminds us that when he last saw Chantal in Anguilla she seemed "rattled", so he is glad that she has been taking her meds or something and is all calm and cool and perky in Seattle.

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