Bachelor
Brad Takes One On A Helicopter Ride

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Brad Takes One On A Helicopter Ride

It's no match for Jenni's flying guillotine of condescension, though. Jenni responds that she's probably misunderstanding Bettina too, but "it's okay -- I don't need to understand anybody else but me and him." This is delivered in a tone often used by pre-K teachers to explain the concept of not biting, and is therefore deeply awesome. An oily, on-the-point-of-tears Bettina complainterviews that Jenni is treating this like a cheerleading competition. Back on the couch, Jenni's like, "Aaaaand scene," and gets up and leaves. Bettina is crying in her 'etterview now, saying she hadn't planned to care about Brad at all, but he's so compassionate and kind, and it's hard for her to watch other women not treat him with respect. By which she means "to watch Jenni suck less than I do, which isn't that hard, and it's ALL FOR YOU, DAMIAN!!!!"

Cut to Brad and Jenni on a loveseat, sharing a lingering smooch and saying they missed each other. More smoochies.

McCarten and Brad have alone time. McCarten takes about 4.6 seconds to start crying and blame her lack of openness on having her heart broken before, and about 2.9 seconds more to start trashing "other girls" for…well, it's kind of muddled, actually, but it's basically the usual "they're just here to be on TV, but me, I'm the real deal…are those cameras?" mudslinging. Poor strategy at this point. McCarten goes on to snuffle that she doesn't "want to have to compete" -- she wants it to "be about the connection," not the competition. Wrong venue, little lady. McCarten soggily 'etterviews that she's not sure she even wants a rose if it's this hard to share him already.

Bradterview: Hardest R.C. yet, blah.

Chris! Brad makes his awkward excuses and leaves to go ruminate.

VO Guy asks, among other things, "Whose dream of marrying a Texas millionaire will be crushed…forever?" This is followed by a brilliant cut directly to the 866 number for nominating the next Bachelor, information the VO Guy delivers in a super-cheery voice. Excellent.

Thank God, the Rose Ceremony. DeAnna, Jenni, and Single White Bettina already have roses, and Jade is gone, so it's three roses for five women. Kristy gets a rose. Sheena gets a rose. Seconds after he left the room, Chris returns to inform the fetuses in the audience that there's one rose left, which goes to Hillary. …BRAD! GOD! No!

…Wait, that means McCarten's out! Woo hoo! You know that scene towards the end of GoodFellas where the cops figure out the substance on all the evidence is cocaine, and that one cop goes, "Buh-bye, dickhead"? Exactly, my badge-wearing friend. Eeeeexactly. It's too bad Stephy has to go, and she's cute in her exit interview, staying perky until the end and then announcing that she's going to cry and pirouetting her back to the camera.

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Bachelor

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