And now Brad is showering for our benefit and getting dressed and telling us about the three years he spent in therapy and how his biggest fear is that the awful women that this terrible show has selected to try to form an unholy union with this two-time loser won't believe he's changed, or whatever.

And now Chris Harrison tells us that he knows a lot of us are skeptical about Brad, and I hate to tell Chris Harrison but the Bachelor audience is skeptical about an awful lot of things. And now he is telling us that there are a bunch of women who have traveled from across the country to give Brad a second chance. I like Chris Harrison, generally, even though he constantly looks me in the face and lies his ass off like this.

And here is Ashley H., a cute dentist from Philadelphia who is apparently so desperate for love that she's hitting on a statue of Benjamin Franklin, and she thinks she's an artist because she's a dentist, and now she is prying into the love life of one of her patients who I hope, at the very least, didn't have to pay for this intrusive visit, and then she tells us she likes to have fun, and then she utters the phrase "shaking my groove thing" which caused me to have a seizure. Then I think she promised to blow Brad, but don't quote me on that.

And then there is Shawntel N., and I hope that the initial for her last name doesn't mean that more than one contestant spells her name that way, and she's a funeral director from Chico, CA, and the show plays some cut-rate B-movie horror show music because that's just how much respect it has for the dead, and then she tells us about being placed in the mausoleum when she's dead, just like her parents, and maybe Brad will be too someday, and we can only hope that this occurs some time over the course of the next few weeks.

And then we are in New York City, which is apparently where the Statue of Liberty is, and Ashley S. is a nanny, and Jesus Christ I can't believe that we're only on our third contestant and already two of them are named Ashley, who is telling us that she's a "sweet Southern girl" by which I imagine she means she thinks women in New York City are whores. She is "ready for love," which is a nice change. And then she tells us a sad story about her dad falling into a coma and dying of a brain hemorrhage, and she is going to delude herself into thinking that her dad would want her to appear on this show.

And we have Chantal O. from Seattle who is an "executive assistant" but it looks to me like she sells cars, in a dealership owned by Daddy. I think she's really cute. She got divorced last year from a guy who she'd been with for ten years, and she's not good at dating, because she doesn't like all the games that get played. How fucking stupid does a person have to be to go on The Bachelor and then tell us she hates all the gameplaying that goes on when you're dating someone?