This season is only starting this very second but Chris Harrison tells us this is already one of the most shocking seasons in Bachelor history, because Brad Womack once upon a time told a couple of women that he didn't want to marry them. And then this Brad Womack guy tells us that after he sent the women off in the limousine, everything came crashing down like a ton of bricks, because he was alone.
And then he went back to his home in Hell or wherever he is from, and says that he only blames himself for being alone, and he watched the finale and says he looked like a jerk. And he tells us he has panic attacks, and he read all the blogs that called him "self-righteous" and "immature" and all sorts of other things that I guess we're all supposed to feel bad about nailing. "It solidified all of those doubts, and I hit rock bottom," he tells us. "Rock bottom" in this instance means sitting by a waterfall and staring soulfully into the middle distance.
And now he is walking down the street with his hands tucked into the front pocket of his jeans, and he says he wasn't able to work, and then he found an incredible therapist who I imagine told him to grow the fuck up. Oh, wait, he's blaming his dad. "My father let me down more times than I can count. And hell yes, it makes me closed off," he says. Yeah, the guy going on this show inexplicably watched by millions of people, FOR THE SECOND TIME, is telling us how closed off he is. He doesn't know if he's ever let someone know the real him, the real him who leans, shirtless, on railings and balconies. "All that tough guy stuff is just a façade, except my trapezoid muscles are stellar," he says, and then he says he wants to prove to everyone, and himself, that he's changed.
And then he's visiting his brothers' families, who have amazing lives despite not going on The Bachelor. And then Brad's brother Wes is saying that we're going to see a different Brad, and Pamela, Brad's mother, says Brad wants the same thing his brothers have, which does not appear to mean a proper razor. And then Brad's therapist is telling us a bunch of bullshit about stuff while Brad stares at the camera.
And now Brad is moving into the Bachelor mansion and he is saying things about being excited and soul-searching and good news! He's ready to fall in love, and also scramble up mountains and jump-rope and do pushups and run along the beach and jump out of swimming pools. "I want to let a woman in, and I'm ready, more now than ever, to fall in love and find my wife," he says.
And now Brad is showering for our benefit and getting dressed and telling us about the three years he spent in therapy and how his biggest fear is that the awful women that this terrible show has selected to try to form an unholy union with this two-time loser won't believe he's changed, or whatever.
And now Chris Harrison tells us that he knows a lot of us are skeptical about Brad, and I hate to tell Chris Harrison but the Bachelor audience is skeptical about an awful lot of things. And now he is telling us that there are a bunch of women who have traveled from across the country to give Brad a second chance. I like Chris Harrison, generally, even though he constantly looks me in the face and lies his ass off like this.
And here is Ashley H., a cute dentist from Philadelphia who is apparently so desperate for love that she's hitting on a statue of Benjamin Franklin, and she thinks she's an artist because she's a dentist, and now she is prying into the love life of one of her patients who I hope, at the very least, didn't have to pay for this intrusive visit, and then she tells us she likes to have fun, and then she utters the phrase "shaking my groove thing" which caused me to have a seizure. Then I think she promised to blow Brad, but don't quote me on that.
And then there is Shawntel N., and I hope that the initial for her last name doesn't mean that more than one contestant spells her name that way, and she's a funeral director from Chico, CA, and the show plays some cut-rate B-movie horror show music because that's just how much respect it has for the dead, and then she tells us about being placed in the mausoleum when she's dead, just like her parents, and maybe Brad will be too someday, and we can only hope that this occurs some time over the course of the next few weeks.
And then we are in New York City, which is apparently where the Statue of Liberty is, and Ashley S. is a nanny, and Jesus Christ I can't believe that we're only on our third contestant and already two of them are named Ashley, who is telling us that she's a "sweet Southern girl" by which I imagine she means she thinks women in New York City are whores. She is "ready for love," which is a nice change. And then she tells us a sad story about her dad falling into a coma and dying of a brain hemorrhage, and she is going to delude herself into thinking that her dad would want her to appear on this show.
And we have Chantal O. from Seattle who is an "executive assistant" but it looks to me like she sells cars, in a dealership owned by Daddy. I think she's really cute. She got divorced last year from a guy who she'd been with for ten years, and she's not good at dating, because she doesn't like all the games that get played. How fucking stupid does a person have to be to go on The Bachelor and then tell us she hates all the gameplaying that goes on when you're dating someone?
And there is Michelle, a hairstylist from Salt Lake City who horrifyingly asks her confused daughter for help finding a husband. She is ready to get married. Since she's in Salt Lake City, I assume she means "again." She says, "I'm doing this for both of us." What? Getting married? Working out? Getting implants? She's the first one to tell us about how other women are intimidated by her, which generally means "other women don't like it when I'm horrible to them." And then she says something about how this guy doesn't know it yet, but she's his wife. Well, at least we know she's crazy. You may notice that despite Harrison telling us women are dying to give Brad a second chance, none of these women mention Brad by name. BECAUSE THEY HAVE NO IDEA THE BACHELOR IS GOING TO BE BRAD.
And we're on to Raichel, from Fullterto, CA, and she is waxing guys' backs and crotches and she describes herself as a "manscaper" so that's all we really need to hear from Raichel.
Meghan of New York City is a "fashion marketer" and then she draws a comparison between finding a husband and shopping for shoes that manages to demean all of humanity.
Next up is Madison, who is a model from Brooklyn, who, like Michelle, defines herself by overestimating how much other women think about her. In this case, she thinks other women describe her as "mysterious" and "adventurous" and she tells us that ever since she was a little girl, which is clearly like two years ago, she has had a "vampire thing" and so apparently she is going to pretend that she is a fucking vampire, and at this point I have to assume that this show's producers sat in a boardroom and looked at the applicants and said, "Let's find contestants who can only make this show even more excruciating to watch." She actually wears fangs and has a remarkably low understanding of how not-interesting everyone actually thinks she is.
Emily is a "children's hospital event planner" from Charlotte. She can plan events only if they include children in hospitals, I guess. She tells us she's had an extraordinary love story: met the love of her life at 15, got engaged at 19. He was a racecar driver, so I think we all know where this is going. Hey, remember how this show thinks its audience is made up of complete morons (in its defence, not entirely without reason)? For the footage of her racecar driving lover, they throw all kinds of dust and scratches and stuff all over the film, like it's a silent movie from the goddamn '20s or something. Anyway, he died in a plane crash en route to a race, and she wanted more than anything to have been on