Lacey is an insurance agent from Tampa who is about to meet The Bachelor, and she's so excited that either she always watches this show or she has never seen this show. And we get a montage of women doing various things, like makeup, meditation and situps, to let this stranger know how marriageable they are. Mostly makeup. Some annoying woman says her advice to the other women is "don't mess with me."
Chris Harrison, whose capacity to choke back the bile in his throat must out of necessity grow every season, tells us he expects that these awful women will have some "tough questions" for Brad. Yeah, they'll be so tough on him that they'll all instantly decide to drop out of the show.
Brad pulls up in his limo, and Chris tells him it's good to see him. "I'm a little nervous," he says, and Chris jokes that Brad might have to leave the country if this doesn't go well. If only. They sit down for a chat, and Brad tells Chris he feels like "the luckiest guy in the planet," and Chris uses Brad's douchebagginess and need for fame as proof that Brad really believes in this stupid show, and then Brad talks about the self-analysis he went through. "I'm not embarrassed to admit it, it took some pretty intensive therapy," he says, and then he blames his dad again and talks about his trust and commitment issues, which I can't imagine is really selling this show's non-ironic audience on his suitability as husband material.
And now these two bozos are talking about letting people in and Brad's tough-guy façade and being a changed man, and now Brad is magnanimously saying he understands why Jenny and DeAnna were hurt, which is big of him, and he apologizes to them. Only Harrison has a big surprise for him: DeAnna and Jenni are here tonight! Wow, they were available? Isn't DeAnna busy being married after her run on The Bachelorette? Brad immediately looks uncomfortable. "Now I feel like even more of a idiot," he says. On this show, you can always go lower.
Back from commercial, we actually go BACK IN TIME to replay Harrison's announcement that this two women are here, in case we forgot this part. They both hug him, either because they're stupid or because they want to show him how much he didn't affect them. Or both. Then everybody sits down and there's all kinds of awkwardness, and Jenni says she hasn't seen Brad since "After the Final Rose," which means she's just like EVERYONE ELSE IN AMERICA UNTIL NOW, and she talks about moving on. And now Brad is talking about how sorry he is, and DeAnna isn't saying anything, and I seem to remember her never shutting up about Brad when I recapped that season.
Jenni talks about how embarrassed she was for not getting a marriage proposal on television from a douchebag. DeAnna tells a lot of crap about how she doesn't let a lot of people in, so the final day was brutal because of how much she trusted Brad, and what a learning experience it was, whatever that means. Brad says this show is a "new beginning" for him and he wouldn't be here if he wasn't a changed man. Harrison asks the women if they buy that. DeAnna says it's a concern of hers, because Brad's relationship with thirty famewhores is her business for some reason. Jenni says she thinks when the women find out Brad is the bachelor, their guards are going to go right up. Once more: THEY'RE GOING ON THE BACHELOR.
The camera shows a closeup of Jenni's engagement ring while DeAnna prattles on about how skeptical she is about Brad but she hopes he finds something as awesome as she and Jenni have found. DeAnna and Jenni are marrying each other? That's kind of hot.
And now Harrison and Brad are ready to greet the arriving women, and Chris says it's the first time that an idiot like Brad has done this for the second time, and he says it like it's a historical event like man walking on the moon, and then, "friend to friend," he offers this advice: "Don't screw it up." You mean "again," right?
Here come the limos, the part of the season premiere that always makes this show seem about four hours long. And the first limo arrives, and of course the dingbats in the back all recognize Womack, and Chantal O. gets out and says she has something for Brad, and she slaps him, as good-naturedly as you can slap a guy, and she says it's "from every woman in America," only she forgot to add "who sadly gives a shit about you," which is a far smaller group, and Brad doesn't have much option but to be a good sport about it. This would have been much more interesting if it hadn't been shown about fifty times already during previews. He says he deserves it and he likes her better already. Hear that? Brad's into it!
Kimberly, marketing coordinator, Charlotte. Blonde, cleavage, has "serious questions and concerns." Alli, "apparel merchant" from Columbus. So excited to meet Brad. More than willing to give him a second chance, surprise surprise. Ashley the nanny. "Aren't you a tall drink of water," she says. She's not going to hate on him, and she kisses him on the cheek. Jesus, Brad could be Hitler for all these idiots care. She wants to flirt with him some more, and then she grabs his ass. She is clearly drunk.
Meghan the fashion marketer from New York, instantly invalidating her resume by wearing awful ugly pink shoes, which Brad says he loves. She admits to watching his season, which is an awful thing to admit to. Inside, the women talk about Brad's season with an expertise and a knowledge base that I can only imagine they'd bring to talking about the midterm U.S. elections or exit strategies in Afghanistan.
Marissa, a sports publicist from Kissimmee, asks if he's ready for this. He thinks she's going to hit him, but she just wants to know if he's ready to be with someone whose life completely revolves around sports, because NO WOMEN LIKE SPORTS, AMIRITE? and he says, "I love you." Because he is a moron and has fallen for this. Lindsay is a Grade 1 teacher from Plano. "You're back," she says. Then she shakes her breasts at him. Ashley the artist dentist is a hugger, and he calls her beautiful, and she says "welcome back" and hopes he's ready to answer a lot of questions over and over again and she hopes the second time's the charm.
Raichel the manscaper -- no, fuck that. I'm not writing about someone who willingly lists her job description as "manscaper." On the other hand, she is pretty.
Oh, god, it's Madison the vampire model (music turns creepy). She has her fangs in. "You look delicious," she says, and he does not remark on the fangs despite her baring them at him, and he says "Nice name," instead of "nice trendy name" and how weird is it that in fifty years there are going to be kids who have women named "Madison" for grandmothers?
Now Melissa, a waitress from Lake Worth, throws herself into Brad's arms. Playing hard to get, I see. She says she didn't watch Brad's season, which I'm going to assume is a lie. Renee is a nanny from Palos Hills, Illinois (or, as she puts it, "outside Chicago"). I hope she and Ashley don't talk shop all season. She tells Brad that she's excited to meet him.
Here is Cristy, an attorney from Ft. Lauderdale, putting a definitive entry in the "Yeah, That's Actually a Real Job" side of the bachelorettes' career tally. She says she doesn't know that much about him, so she's excited to know what all the fuss is about. Jackie is an artist from New York in a yellow dress who asks him to "pinky swear" that he won't break her heart, and he makes her pinky swear that SHE won't break HIS, and I pinky swear that I will murder the both of them if they don't shut up.
Sarah P. is a real estate brok