And then Alli and her massive breasts actually sticks her arse in Brad's face, much to the other women's horror, as she tells him that she was broken up with by a guy who wanted a smaller ass.
And then Alli interrupts another woman's conversation with Brad (in Alli's defence, the other idiot was pointing out, as proof of her sense of humour, the fact that she wasn't wearing shoes). And then the shoeless comedian, who is Renée, tries to steal him back, but Renée and Alli are both interrupted by another woman, while Renée makes sad faces, at least until Brad gives her five more seconds before she's interrupted again, at which point she says she's better than all the other women here, only she calls the other women a word that needs to be bleeped out.
Emily is scared to death that she's not getting a rose. She should sit tight until the portion of the show where the rose hinges on planning an event for a children's hospital; she'll do just fine. She sits down with Brad and talks about how she has a great job and a home and a family, but she doesn't have someone regularly putting a penis inside her. She doesn't say it all exactly like that. Brad calls her a "quintessential Southern belle" who is there for the right reasons.
Madison sits down with Brad, and he finally asks her about the fangs, which may actually be her real teeth filed down. "If that's her deal, great. If that's a joke, get ride of it," he tells us. Yeah! If you're really a vampire, that's great! If not, get lost! Moron. To his credit, he tells her to her face that he gets the impression that she thinks this is all just a game. That wipes the "mysterious" and "adventurous" smile off her face and she tells him she really does want to be here. Michelle tells us she's concerned by Madison's fangs, because the woman actually carved fangs into her teeth. This may be the most sensible thing anyone has ever said on this show ever. And then she goes and ruins it by talking about how there are a lot of "little girls" around but she's a woman.
She sits down with him and tells him she respects the decision he made on his first season. Then she tells him that she is a woman, not a little girl. Again with that. "Don't worry about committing child rape with me!" She tells him about her daughter, and I kind of like that seemingly half the women this season already have children, because I hope it means we avoid the standard episode where the one contestant with a child has to summon all her courage to tell the bachelor that she has had sex at least one time before, the time that produced the child she has. Brad talks about how awesome it is to be an uncle. "Brad's reaction to me having a daughter was really, really amazing," Michelle tells us, because he didn't cast her out and shun her for having a daughter, I suppose.
It's time to give the first impression rose, and Brad gives it not to any of the amazing women who he thinks it's so amazing that they have children already or the woman who amazingly has fangs or the amazing Southern belle, but to Ashley. Michelle says it's kind of making her sick that she's not getting the first impression rose.
Brad tells Ashley that she's getting the rose because she told him she'd be his friend, which is what he wants in a wife. "I love a good love story, and I feel like this is the perfect fairy tale," she says. Ugh. Any woman who sounds like she's still clinging to the Disney princess mentality that they should have left behind by junior high loses a million points from me.
And now Brad talks about how rough the going was at first, but now he feels like these women, these shrewd and unforgiving women, are willing to forgive him for the fact that he didn't propose to women he didn't want to marry.
And from here we go to the first rose ceremony. "This is where it gets a little tough," says Harrison. No, this is where it gets a little awesome, where boring women get cut and then get caustic.
Brad comes out and thanks all of them for at least hearing him out, and blah blah blah. Down to the roses: Michelle. Remember, she's a woman, not a little girl. Kimberly. I've already forgotten who this person is. Madison the vampire. Because even though she's crazy, he'll have the best overnight date with her ever. Emily the children's hospital event planner. Raichel the goddamn manscaper. Keltie the Rockette. Ashley H. Meghan the ... I want to say fashion marketer? I enjoy the way the women's smiles falter with each name called that isn't their own. Lisa M. I swear this is the first time we've seen her. Lindsay, the redhead in a red dress. I forget what she does but she looks like a maneater. Alli. Brad likes big butts and he cannot lie. All you other brothers can't deny. Sarah P. "That's me," says Sarah P., in case any of the other women forgot their own names. Then there's Merissa? Melissa? Have they added women since the limousines pulled up? I don't know who any of these people are. Britt. Stacey. Shawntel N. I do not want to have to spell that for too many more weeks. Jackie. And now there is a Melissa, and now there's just one more rose left, and the tension is really building among all these women who we have no idea who they are. And then he gives the rose to Chantal O., which is the woman who slapped him. "I guess I deserved that, right?" she says, and weirdly I think she's referring not to the rose itself but to his long drawn-out pause before saying her name. What exactly did she deserve other than to be cut from the show the second she hit Brad? And if the show wouldn't do it, Brad really needed to have a little more balls and cut her himself.
Anyway, Harrison comes out to tell the non-rose-receiving losers to say their goodbyes, and everyone stiffly hugs one another, as well as Brad. Lauren the high school teacher tells us, kind of amusingly, that you have to take "leaps of faith," and that this one didn't work out, which pisses her off. Doesn't resigning yourself to taking "leaps of faith" also require an acceptance of the fact that it might not work out? Go home, Lauren. Go teach your students useful stuff instead of anything that might cause them to wind up on The Bachelor.
And Britnee has no clue why he didn't pick her, what with her "giving 110%" and all. And she starts to cry. I feel incredibly awful for the women who pin their hopes on The Bachelor, which produces fewer marriages than, Jesus, World of Warcraft, to such a degree that they cry on the first night.
And now Lisa P., whoever that is, says she guesses Brad wasn't where she was, or something. She's going to find someone, and ... oh, now she's crying. Lisa P., you're way better off!
Inside, Brad says he knows his wife is in this group, but they're going to have a hell of a ride getting there. And then they toast, and then we launch into the sole redeeming aspect of the season premiere: the final ten minutes consist of "coming up this season on The Bachelor!" scenes that I categorically refuse/don't need to recap! I mean, really, none of it is anything that NEEDS to be recapped, in the grand scheme of things. Can I go now? Yeah, Seal is singing "Kiss From a Rose." I definitely need to call it a night.
Daniel is a writer in Newfoundland with a wife and a daughter. He maintains the only thing Brad Womack has to answer for is being responsible for a season of The Bachelorette centred around DeAnna Pappas. Follow him on