Cult Of (No) Personality

Episode Report Card
admin: C- | Grade It Now!
Grim, Scary Tales

Previously: Aaron was a perfect man who writes symphonies and farts potpourri. Christi was crazy. Kyla was pissy. Chris was hyperbolic. He still is. Now, some of these women are falling in love, or so Chris would have us believe. The narration on this show has about as much credibility as a Matt Drudge column. We see shots from the dates we're going to see tonight. I'm not going to recap them right now because I'm tired of humoring this show's repetitive scenes, narration, and interviews. I'll recap them as they actually happen. There are six women left. There are four roses to be given. "Who will be sent home broken-hearted?" The answer to that question: Ben Affleck.

Morning comes to the Malibu Dream House. A real deer stands placidly in the yard, next to some statues of faux deer. They used that shot to enhance the whole "fairy-tale" conceit they seem to be pushing at us. A shot of the deer nosing through their trash, nibbling on apple cores, may be more realistic, but that's not exactly the stuff of fantasy, now, is it? Inside, natural beauty clearly isn't good enough for these women, as they all primp and doll themselves up. There's a montage of various bachelorettes blow-drying their hair. Fascinating.

Chris calls the women into the living room, looking like he just wandered by from a frat kegger. Dude, you could at least tuck in your shirt, you know. You're on television. The six women come out and sit on two couches. After some small talk, Chris explains the details of this next round: three women will get one-on-one dates with Aaron. The remaining three will get one group date. Who well get the one-on-one dates? Before the show, all the potential bachelorettes had to take a personality test. Since we all know by now that the test wasn't to weed out the crazy ones, Chris reveals that they gave the women the tests to determine "scientifically" which women's personalities match closest to Aaron's. The three women with the best matches get the personal dates. They would have done these dates earlier, but they had to send Aaron's test to a special laboratory, because the use of an electron microscope was necessary in order to read his results. Chris tells them all to expect Martha Stewart gift boxes over the next couple of days to reveal who gets which date. After he leaves, Heather says that she knew she should have lied on the tests. Does that mean she knows she's not compatible with Aaron? Was that a joke? I don't get it. Whatever.

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