Bachelor
Cult Of (No) Personality

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Grim, Scary Tales

The first box arrives. Heather goes out to get it. In an interview, Heather tells us that she went out to get the box. Maybe there's a blind demographic to this show that I'm unaware of. And what a coincidence! Heather is the first one chosen for a one-on-one date. Based on the little theme toys in the box, the women determine that Heather and Aaron are going to a spa. In an interview, Brooke claims that all the women are shocked that Heather was chosen, because they didn't see them as a particularly "compatible" pair. Whether or not that was cattiness or just an observation, I have no idea. It's probably a little of both.

As Aaron gets into a limo, he voice-overs an explanation of the personality tests yet again. Blind people with no short-term memory. Are there a lot of people like that? Aaron goes on to say that he recalls Heather's video message before a previous rose ceremony that she's heard that Aaron is a good kisser and hopes to find out herself. He concludes, rightly so, that Heather is going to be rather "forward" on this date. And I'm sure there's no connection between Heather's aggressiveness in that area and the decision to give her the date where they both get naked. Just another coincidence.

Aaron stops by the Malibu Dream House to pick up Heather. They hug. In an interview, Heather gushes that she was so happy when her "prince" arrived. No, you're not getting that date. In the limo, they drink champagne, and Heather says she's never gotten a massage at a spa before. I find that hard to believe. She has a total spa personality, if that makes any sense. They talk about the process of getting massages. Let the record show that Aaron mentions getting naked for the massage first. So of course, Heather's all, "Yeah, naked, yeah!"

The two of them load into a helicopter to fly out to the spa. Heather clings to Aaron and narrates to us, "I see Malibu, but all I can know is that Aaron is next to me, and I'm so happy to be sitting next to him, no matter where we're going. He held my hand. He touched me, and I was just like, 'This guy is my dream.' If this is what love is all about, now I've realized that I was never in love before, because he is everything that I've ever been looking for." There's a scratching sound as single, heterosexual men everywhere write Heather's name just under Christi's in the backs of their black books, under the heading, "Do Not Date This Woman Under Any Circumstances. Not Even One-Night Stands."

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