Bachelor
Cult Of (No) Personality

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Grim, Scary Tales

Heather tells us, "I just don't think you can deny love. The static between us -- it would just make somebody roll over in their [sic] grave, and it just is the most awesome feeling." Their love would make somebody roll over in his grave? Who? One of the Brontë sisters? At this point, Heather's bypassed Christi on the scale of self-delusion. Although Christi was insistent that she loved Aaron, she was observant enough to see that their connection had fallen apart. Heather doesn't have a clue. Aaron does that thing where he pretends that the fooling around has started to make him sleepy. That sign I've learned to recognize. I've used that sign myself. Heather asks him what's going through his mind. He's probably trying to imagine Helene fondling him instead, but he doesn't answer and turns it back around on Heather. Oh, he's clever at times. I still think he's a dumb clod, but he knows how to keep from getting pinned down. Heather wonders what it would have been like if they had both been on the same massage table, rather than two separate ones. It would have been really crowded, for starters. Heather tells us, "I keep thinking that someone's gonna pinch me and wake me up, and it's just gonna be a dream, and I don't want to be woken up." I don't think an air-raid siren would wake Heather up right now. Aaron suggests that they move to the pool so he can get the heck away from her. Aaron tells the camera that he wasn't attracted to Heather, and that she was trying to be more intimate that he wanted to be. They stand in the shallow end of the pool, and Heather clings to Aaron, asking him if he's trying to "score." Aaron laughs. Ow. Ow. How could she not pick up on that? When you ask somebody if they want to have sex with you, and they laugh? It's time to go looking for a new dance partner. But then Aaron says, "No, I'm not. But only because I'm behaving." Then he leans in and starts kissing her. Oh, that honest Midwestern upbringing. I'm sure his parents are proud. Heather tells us that she can see Aaron as her husband. She's visualizing the house and the white picket fence and the kids and even visualizes Aaron coaching a kids' soccer team. She says, "My head is just turning with ideas." Across the country, single, heterosexual men write, "RUN AWAY!!!" next to Heather's name in their little black books and underline it three times. We end with Heather clinging to Aaron in the pool, while he stares off into the distance, wondering if the spa has any fire alarms.

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