Bachelor
Cult Of (No) Personality

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Grim, Scary Tales

Aaron arrives in a bland suit. What's the deal with that? Where's the frilly prince outfit? Coward. I was hoping for a purple jacket with tails and gold epaulets. Aaron tells us that he was looking forward to his date with Gwen and blah blah compatible blah blah. Same thing he's said about Gwen three times already. When Aaron likes a woman, he's like one of those See 'N Say toys. You just turn the dial to the image of a woman, pull the string, and he says the same thing every time. Aaron tells us that he was "intimidated" when he saw Gwen in the dress. He says he tried to "play it smooth," but doesn't think anybody bought it. I don't think they've bought any of the times Aaron has tried to "play it smooth." "Smooth" is definitely not a word that showed up on Aaron's personality test. Helene tells us all that Gwen looked so pretty that she started to get nervous that she might not get a rose at the next ceremony. Helene sounds about as concerned at this possible chain of events as I would be if I were told that my local grocery store had run out of imported Norwegian sturgeon-flavored cake frosting.

Aaron and Gwen head out to a horse and carriage that has been made up to look slightly like a pumpkin. You would have to shoot me with a tranquilizer dart before I would ride anywhere in public in that thing. They both love it, though. Gwen gets twenty bucks for saying she feels like Cinderella. They arrive at some mansion somewhere. I don't know. They just moved from one mansion to another for their date. Aaron tells us, "It's such a surreal feeling to be with such a gorgeous woman, in such a beautiful setting, in what would be anybody's dream date." Speak for yourself, buddy. A six-pack of Dr Pepper and a Playstation are the keys to my heart. (I think I'm going to have to stop making fun of the immaturity of a fairy-tale date now.) They head into a fireplace, where there's a violinist and other ballroomy-type things. Again, Gwen explains to us the things that we can see perfectly well, for any blind folks watching the show. Well, not watching. You know what I mean.

Gwen and Aaron sit down for a dinner at a small table. Aaron tells us that it's easy for him to imagine Gwen as his wife. Gwen asks Aaron if he believes in love at first sight. Bleagh. Aaron blathers on about chemistry blah blah blah. He says he used to respond "no" to that question, but now he thinks it's possible. He asks Gwen if she can imagine being proposed to by a guy she's known for only five weeks. She responds, "It's not impossible." These two are just so full of vague non-answers. They're perfect for each other. It will take half an hour for them just to read their wedding vows, with all the caveats: "I don't think it's out of the question that I would consider loving you in the event of both sickness and health." Gwen says that she finds Aaron "hard to read." Aaron insists that he's "a simple guy." Yeah, I think the problem is that these women are trying to plumb Aaron's hidden depths. There aren't any. He's just a guileless smile and a...a...that seems to be it. He's got a good job, though. Aaron leans over awkwardly to kiss Gwen. After the kiss, he says, "You didn't have to read that." Yeah, the message was pretty clear: "If I kiss you, then I won't have to talk about myself."

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Bachelor

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