Bachelor
Cult Of (No) Personality

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Grim, Scary Tales

Back at the Malibu Dream House, a third gift box has arrived. Helene brings the box inside. Helene tells us that she brought the box inside. The girls open the box. Helene tells us that the girls opened the box. It's the invitation to the group date for Hayley, Angela, and Brooke. This means that Helene gets the final solo date. In case the whole "process of elimination" concept is alien to you, Helene explains to us that she gets the final solo date. The three women on the group date get to go sailing with Aaron. Poor Brooke; every date she has with Aaron is on a boat. Can't these people think of anything else interesting? Just wait until we get to Helene's date. Hayley says she's going to end up vomiting throughout the date. Helene explains to us that apparently both Hayley and Angela get motion sickness. Hayley asks if they have barf bags on boats. Yeah, it's called "the ocean." Hayley tells us that she'd love to have a fairy-tale date, but apparently she's not "princess material." You know who Hayley looks like to me? That creepy Trina girl on Mad TV, played by Mo Collins. The one with the strange laugh, who is constantly going around telling strangers about her freakishly tragic past.

Back in the enchanted mansion, or whatever, Gwen says that she'd like to know what "drives" Aaron. Aaron, if you weren't already aware, is driven by clichés. He tells her, "Success is a journey, not a destination," and that you have to be happy to be successful. Of course, he didn't say what makes him happy or where he hopes this journey takes him, so he might as well have said, "'Eep! Op! Ork! Ah-ah!' That means, 'I love you!'" And before Gwen can ask for any sort of clarification, Aaron once again turns the question around on the person asking. What drives Gwen? Gwen says that her motto is, "Work like you don't need the money. Love like you've never been hurt. And dance like nobody's watching." Man, I hate that motto so much. It's a motto that sounds clever, but the more you think about it, is full of shit. It's something said by witless college kids who don't know what it's like to not have any money yet, haven't had a relationship last long enough to really hurt when it ends, or -- well -- the dancing part of the quote is okay. But the rest sucks. Amazingly, Aaron seems to have lived without ever having heard that phrase before. Maybe he doesn't have email? Or ever been to anybody's personal web page? He's in utter awe of the phrase and tells us, "How could you not melt at that. It's incredible."

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