Bachelor
Death Becomes Them

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¡Hola Again!

We Estefan over to the kitchen (see, now I'm just being a reactionary jerk) to find a klatch of four women, some of whom are Mary, discussing getting what she really wants: a wedding. A portly women (once she was fat and now she is...whoops, she's still fat) joyously exclaims, "Finally!" Gales of laughter follow, another voice yelling into the ensuing melee, "How old are you?" And yet, it remains so difficult to figure out where Mary's old maid complex comes from. Air out the spice rack, Tampa; dinner's gonna be tinged with that usual whiff of desperation that seems to waft like wavy stink lines onto everything Mary passes.

And now, a Bachelor math equation to help visualize the following scene, for those of you who gave up watching this show four episodes ago because you think it's someone else's place to do the heavy lifting around here:

Imelda Marcos + every pair of glasses ever owned by Yoko Ono = Mary's mom. "Cute," huh?

Wine glasses clinked and toasts exchanged, one of Mary's every-extending family kicks things off with the typical "Bob, do you know where your heart is right now?" Bob tells them that he's in a "tough spot," adding that his feelings for some people are stronger than his feelings for others. But the patriarch of the house is soon to throw in his two pesos (aw, see, I did it again), talking in Spanish so that the Bachelor Subtitle Maker Dos Miles kicks into overdrive and freaks out a little, translating Mary's father's speech entirely in lower-case letters. Y'know, Next, just because your editing technology doesn't include the keycaps command of the upside-down exclamation point that's supposed to begin the sentence doesn't mean you have to throw away all of the grammar rules willy-nilly. Anyway, here's what he says: "if he can't do something good for you, he should do you no harm." More Bachelor fortune-cookie logic. Also, lucky lotto numbers 1, 2, 10, 12, 25, 26. Also, "cat" in Chinese is "mao." Why is it everyone speaks in platitudes, no matter what language they're speaking in? The whole table, sin Bob, tears up as Mr. Mary explains the importance of his family in a language the one person who doesn't know about the importance of Mary's family can't understand. Mary cries and translates the subtitles incorrectly, opportunistically editorializing, "He said that he wants all of us -- and me -- to be happy." Her father didn't say that. But Bob takes the bait, showing the dramatic importance of his own words by saying them in English: "I think that's beautiful. And I think that's right." He explains that his intentions are good, and one of Mary's sisters translates it for Papi. Bob confessionalizes that it's getting "a whole lot more real." Mary steals a sister with bangs to the bathroom (ew, wine in the bathroom), and tells her, "I know what my heart feels. I'm thirty-five years old." So it feels...on the verge of stopping? What? I'm missing context here. Sister With Bangs responds sympathetically, "I just hope things turn out. Just don't get hurt." They hug and laugh like sisters, Mary announcing, "Mary Guiney!" They hug and SWB proclaims, "It sounds good!" It sounds like a racist Dr. Seuss poem.

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