Djb’s Last Bachelor Recap Ever, Suckas!

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Jesse's Mom Has Got It Going On

Oh, you guys. You've been so good to me. But sadly, the part of my brain that comes up with wacky nicknames for the Bachelor and the house he lives in has ruptured past its natural ability to regenerate or heal. So, following the completion of this recap, this once stout-hearted (and now husk of a) recapper will be checked into The Psychoneurotic Institute For The Very, Very Burnt Out for a period of twenty-eight days, during which time I shall (1) undertake a "journey" of self-discovery and forge a "connection" with recovery; (2) go on a series of meaningful overnight one-on-one dates...with myself; and (3) tell Sandra Bullock there's still a chance for her career, but not if goes much longer without her having made another film since this one.

I will also follow the twelve steps of reality show recapping recovery, in which I will submit myself to the Higher Power, and seek a deeper meaning in my own life among said steps:

(1) I will admit that I am powerless over The Bachelor and that it has made my life unmanageable.
(2) I will come to admit that a power greater than The Bachelor can restore my damaged psyche to sanity.
(3) I will make a decision to turn my will and life over to a Higher Power of my choosing, so long as that deity does not bear likeness to the false idol we have worshipped until now, that dark overlord M-ike Fl-iss.
(4) I will make a searching and fearless moral inventory of myself, rather than a series of baseline and fearful moral inventories of other people, even if they're over-edited caricatures masquerading as actual human beings, desperately as they may deserve it, so it's a good thing Kim will do it for me from now on. Thanks, Kim.
(5) I will admit to the Higher Power, to myself, and to another human being the exact nature of my wrong...or, I'll let the Meet Market thread continue to spin into total chaos and let you guys prove the utter wrongness of the world for me.
(6) I will make myself entirely ready to have the Higher Power remove all defects of character. Or, at least, to have them cleverly edited out in post-production.
(7) I will humbly ask the Higher Power to remove my shortcomings, including the pettiness that would ordinarily lead me to point out that Step #7 bears an almost embarrassing likeness to Step #6.
(8) I will make a list of all persons I have harmed and become willing to make amends to them all. Unless they reeeeeeeeally deserved it, like if they went on television to fall in love, in which case I won't apologize. Which really cuts down my list considerably. Which means, basically, here I go: sorry, Trista's ugly sister. Trista's sister, you didn't ask to be on TV in that dress. Not that TV had a choice in asking you, poor TV having to show such ugliness. Damn! One step back to Step #7. Someone ought to make a board game out of this! May I suggest they call it Steppin' Out? Or, I mean, whatever you guys think is best. Do I need some sort of "8b" addendum where I apologize to anyone who was hurt by my Steppin' Out joke? Sigh. Getting better is hard!

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