Bachelor
Djb’s Last Bachelor Recap Ever, Suckas!

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Jesse's Mom Has Got It Going On

And, Tacori. Man, did they do right by Trista and Ryan, or what? Wasn't this show all about the Harry Winston until the wedding? Strummy music plays as Tara tries on some rings, and she tells us in a confessional that she wasn't nervous until now, but that she now is. She tries on a ring that's basically just a circle of all diamonds, and when she pronounces it is "shiny, even more so than the rest," Jesse mutters in utter seriousness that she'll have to "compete with the other player's wives. It really is an unironic dismay I feel for him. With Bob, I had to emotionally invest in my hate for him because it always manifested itself in such new and interesting ways. With Andrew, I hated him as a stinging indictment against all the world's wealthy. But this? It's so straightforward. It's the dumb, over-aggressive kid in your seventh grade gym class's flag football team. It's the moron who was your lab partner in four consecutive years of science class because his name came alphabetically right after yours. It's the kid who did arm farts at graduation even after the principal himself got up to the podium and announced, "Such immaturity is no way to commemorate what is supposed to be a passage into maturity. You should be ashamed of yourselves." It's the hate that lives closest to home.

Jessica, meanwhile, heads to Tacori in another limo and tells us that this day is "bittersweet," because she knows that this day is one that finds her looking forward to the future, but that she knows Jesse will be spending the day doing this very same thing with another girl. Jessica picks up the circle of diamonds, and tells Jesse that that's the one she thinks is the one she wants. "I could not believe it," Jesse tells us. "I couldn't believe it! Both Tara and Jessica liked the same ring." They both chose the one that is a giant circle of all diamonds. It would be like if there was another ring made entirely of rotting human flesh and then he was all surprised, like, "I couldn't believe it. Both Tara and Jessica didn't like the rotting human flesh ring." Go figure. Some girls just really prefer the giant circle of diamonds.

And now, it is the time when each of the girls goes to Jesse's house one final time before the Rose Ceremony and it is very dramatic. First up is Tara, who confessionalizes on her way in, "I am in love with him." Yeah, but how does she...oh, never mind. Jesse opens the front door with an I'm-not-choosing-you-esque "Hey!" He kisses her on her surrounding air aura, and asks her what she's brought with her. "Cheesecake," she replies breathily, unaware that the perfect mix of cheesiness and beefcake-iness means we should have been calling Jesse that from frame one, and oh, what a lost opportunity it is.

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Bachelor

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