Bachelor
Djb’s Last Bachelor Recap Ever, Suckas!

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Jesse's Mom Has Got It Going On

"We are q-ing today, you and I," Jesse announces. You're what? We retire to the kitchen to discover a barbeque in the kitchen, so I guess that's what "q-ing" is. And not "queuing," as in "lining up," which is what we could be doing were we poised to leap off a cliff in lemming-esque futility, or were we readying ourselves to enter a suicide booth, had those as yet been invented. Jesse tells Tara that he feels like he's "on the spot," but she patronizes him on how well his food preparation seems to be going. She tells him that she's been eating all day out of nerves, and Jesse is glad he's not "the only one." They sit at the table and eat some big, bloody steaks, Tara telling Jesse that she knows he can't say much, but asking, "Are you settled with everything?" He spirals off on a tangent about how he felt ring shopping, and she follows that up by asking if she feels he knows enough about her to make an educated decision. "You know, I still, y'know, have, y'know, y'know, some questions," he reassures her. Tara looks like she's going to take that butter knife up through that jaw and into the part of his brain that...actually, it's all pretty useless up there anyway. Jesse tells us again that he's having "serious doubts" as to whom he's going to choose. You mean, like, aisle or window for Jessica's seat on the plane? Just ask her. Some people even like the additional leg room of the exit row. But me, it feels like a lot of responsibility.

They polish off the cheesecake and drink some red wine. I love all of it, but just not with that particular combination. Also, I don't enjoy a side dish of Jesse's big, pink, fleshy tongue. "Is that supposed to make me not worry?" Tara asks when kissed. It sure calmed down his dad.

Jesse also wants to know more about Tara's previous engagement. Tara sounds like she's explained this fifty times as she tells Jesse that he was a "great guy" whom "everyone else liked." Oy, so he's a gay. But it helped her "grow a lot as a person," though it certainly didn't ingratiate her to Jesse, who speeches, "I want to be engaged once, and I want to be married once." Well, you know what, Moral Majority? Sometimes things just aren't that easy. Just because you were raised with a certain set of values, it...oh, my god. I'm giving that speech again. The one that I've written here sixty times. The one that I recite in my sleep. The one that often ends, "and that's why you can't vote for him, and I will judge you personally if you do, as hard as it is for me to say that." So Tara lays it all out there: "If you were to ask me, I would say yes to you." Well, why not? She's already said yes to everyone else. "I would say yes to you right now. I would say yes to you five years from now." I would say yes in a box. I would say yes with a fox. I do not like him in this house. I do not like him, he's a louse! I do not like him in L.A. The things I hate a vast array! I do not like this oily cad. I will not watch him kiss his dad! I do not like him (nor does Pam), I do not like him, Sam-I-Am.

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