Bachelor
Djb’s Last Bachelor Recap Ever, Suckas!

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Jesse's Mom Has Got It Going On

Kiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiill.

Find all/replace all/Tara/Jessica. It's nighttime at Jesse's house, as Tara's limo pulls up triumphantly. They toast their -- are they drinking delicious mojitos? Oh, the crushed mint was destined for better than them! -- drinks and sit down for dinner. Jessica tells Jesse how stressed she's been, and he asks, "How ya doin'?" No wonder he doesn't know how they feel. He gives her the same speech about the engagement rings and the forever and the green eggs and the ham, and she shoots back her feeling that shopping for rings was "bittersweet" for her. Jesse puts way too fine a point on it, telling Jessica that she and Tara tried on the exact same rings, which points Jessica into a major shame spiral that bottoms out with Jesse's emotional torture climax, "I don't know what's gonna happen tomorrow...I don't have the answer right now. It's gonna come to me, but...." Jessica narrows her eyes with the proper amount of suspicion and says exactly what she should say ("I don't know how I feel about that") without doing exactly what she should do (leaving, spitting, cascading reams of epistolary fury). Jessica asks us in a confessional, "I don't understand how I can give of myself if he isn't sure." Yes. Yes! Great point. If the world thinks she's not emotionally mature enough to handle a relationship, said world is certainly going out of its way to harden her heart to the point where she can. But then becomes too bitter, and once again can't.

Not that it's going to stop her from trying. And, when in doubt, bikini and hot tub. They climb on in as Jesse tells us that he doesn't know if Jessica knows what she wants out of her life or understands what his life entails. He gives her a for-instance: "You're at a football game, and I'm playing. And it's in New York City. And 75,000 people are booing me." Ha! Situations taken from real life! Except for the "playing time" part.

From the perch of the hot tub, Jesse and Jessica can view where the final Rose Ceremony will take place. He asks her if she's "ready for tomorrow," and she says that she's really excited. She tells him that she's not a jealous person, but that she really feels like "this is right." Vomitous kissing makes me sad. Jesse's confessional says it all: "I've got this amazing woman with this amazing mind who can make me really happy. And, on top of that, she is just hot."

"I do want a fairy-tale ending," Jesse tells us over the beginning of a season-long (that's right. All seven episodes) montage of Jessica. And then of Tara. He loves that she's "a bit of a challenge," but he could see himself being "with someone like Tara." Heh. Someone "like" her. He puts on his suit and stares out the window, continuing, "It is so hard for me to separate them right now in my mind." Because they look like twins and you're a moron?

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Bachelor

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