Bachelor
Djb’s Last Bachelor Recap Ever, Suckas!

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Jesse's Mom Has Got It Going On

Meanwhile, a car pulls up to the front of the house, which we well know means is the car that carries the loser to the house. After all, first girl out gets booted, in order to preserve the happy ending, right? Which is why such a gasp arose in my apartment when the door opened to reveal Jessica, who we (oh, fine. "I") was certain was the surefire winner. Chris Harrison opens the limo door and takes her hand. He walks her up to the front of the house and leaves her to walk down the aisle to him as she voices over that she really thinks it's possible to find her "Prince Charming." She doesn't care about "anything else in the world" when she's with him, because when you get into his stupid orbit, it's impossible to think straight.

Or keep down your lunch. Tara apologizes profusely to the phalanx of surrounding producers and camera people, bends down next to a hedge, and heaves. The sound and the picture don't match at all, but we get it anyway. At least someone around here is sorry about something.

"Jessica, when I came here, I was very skeptical and hopeful that I would find the one." He gave her hope. Since they met. Is there a but? Is there a but? She's charming. She makes him laugh. She makes him a better person. "You've given me everything that I've asked for, and never once did you ever expect anything back." She'll make an excellent housecat. "This whole thing, to me, is like a dream. And tomorrow morning, I'm going to wake up from that dream into the real world. But..." -- oh, now that is just shitty, putting a "but" right in the middle of it -- "I don't want to wake up tomorrow morning if I can't wake up with you." That smile? On Jessica's face? Relief. And nothing more. Jesse thinks they should be together forever. "Jessica, I am not ready to propose to you tonight." She doesn't want a proposal. Ech. I can't imagine why not. Jesse looks forward to when he can ask for her hand in marriage, at which time he will make her "the happiest woman in the world." Is he going to become someone else? They kiss. She won. She won! No ring. And this guy. But other than that...victory! What does it taste like?

Not the Slim Jims from four hours ago in the hotel minibar, that's for sure. That's not what victory tastes like. That's what Tara tastes like. As she climbs back into the car...

...we shoot back to Jesse, producing the piece of paper Jessica's father gave to Jesse at her family date, with trembling hands. He promises he will respect her always, and then gives her a one-way first-class plane ticket to New York, telling her, "Chase all your dreams. But do it with me." Who the hell uses paper tickets anymore? Jessica hazards, "Let's get out of here." But alas, there's a catch. Jesse whispers reverently, just like he has every other thing he's said since Jessica arrived: "I have not yet had a chance to say goodbye to Tara." Jessica barks a laugh at this, because she never gave one crizzy about Tara. They kiss goodbye and she enters the house, taking a convenient perch on a second-floor landing to watch the whole thing. How romantic.

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Bachelor

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