Djb’s Last Bachelor Recap Ever, Suckas!

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Jesse's Mom Has Got It Going On

Tara can't get out of the car. She calls out to everyone in particular, "Don't send him, please." Don't send who? Chris? Jesse? Send where? Chris comes down nevertheless, and she steps out and takes his hand. They begin walking to the house as she tells us, "I've never loved someone the way I love Jesse." She walks through the house crying, and she stops Chris to pull herself together. Jesse waits, forgetting whom he's chosen. Tara cries more. Chris asks if she's okay, because he's a little bit of a host, a little bit of a friend.

Tara takes the long walk around the pool by herself and meets Jesse center stage. She apologizes to Jesse, but I don't think he knows for what. He asks her if everything is okay, and she shoots back an immediate "No, not at all." She asks for some tissues, and you can see the scramble going on off-set, which a cut later produces Chris toting some tissues. Jesse mutters a quiet "Thanks, brother," which is an appropriate line either (a) in a 70s blaxpolitation film or (b) if you're actually talking to your brother. ["I don't even think it's appropriate to say if you're talking to your brother, unless you're talking to your brother in a play written before 1800." -- Wing Chun] As Wing may point out, "bro" is no good either. ["That's goddamn right." -- Wing Chun] Jessica leers down at the happenings like Cruella DeVil waiting to make a coat out of 101 Taras.

Tara will go first, thanks. "Today I've had such bad feelings. And I don't know if it's because you're not feeling the same way I am, which is really hard for me. Or I don't know if I'm having such bad feelings because one of my very best friends in the world is going to be hurt. But either way, I feel like this not a good situation." She was skeptical, blah blah blah, and she fell "head over heels" with Jesse. Oooh, don't go on! He would make her happier than any other person in the entire world. Bad time to plead the case! So he's going to be honest with her, too. He goes into his stump speech: "You are so beautiful, you take my breath away." She provides the transition word, asking "but?" in his stead. "Tara, I've fallen in love with somebody else." She lets him keep holding her hands, but doesn't wait long before responding the way she should: "I'm going to try my hardest and be happy for you. You and Jessica both." But she wishes he hadn't led her on. Oh, he totally boned her! That sucks. He tells her that he never led her on, and that he "felt those things." She tells him that "things that were said and done" on their last one-on-one date were "completely inappropriate" if they weren't going to end up together. He's sorry she feels that way. "I do feel like there were a lot of things that were completely inappropriate. Okay?" He ekes out a chastised "okay," and you'd be able to think this was a lesson that teaches him not to take advantage of girls, except (a) he still get the happy ending, so he manages to come off looking like the good guy anyway, and (b) when he's back with his stupid, date-raping friends, he'll be able to rationalize the fact that the bitch was just pissed because she lost. So that is all credibility lost for the entire female half of the species, right here. But it's no one's fault individually. It took a village, and they should all be very proud of the role they played.

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