Bachelor
Djb’s Last Bachelor Recap Ever, Suckas!

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Jesse's Mom Has Got It Going On

Back upstairs, a lack of testosterone keeps the ladies from raising their voices at all. Jenny needs Jessica's shawl on over her linebacker shoulders. Why wear something that will do everything in its power to accentuate your worst feature? Jenny wearing something off-the-shoulder is almost as silly as if Jesse had walked in wearing something off-the-brain. We know it's a low point of your overall make-up. Seems like the classy thing to do would have been not to call attention to it. Jessica tells Jenny that she's "falling head over heels" for Jesse, but that she's scared and vulnerable about the other girl. Jenny tells us that she wanted Jessica and Tara to be the final girls, and makes it all about her by saying she's sad about either of them getting their hearts broken. Nah. I wouldn't worry too much about it. It's kind of hard to get your heart broken when it's already all over your sleeve. By which I mean you've puked it up all over your sleeve.

And...wife swap! We're back up at the bar to discover Nick and Jessica, a reality pairing which, for once, could actually be worse. Nick asks Jessica if she's come on the show to win, and Jessica is all spin when she volleys back, "I'm here to win...his heart, hopefully," which is then followed by a silent moment where she sits awkwardly, waiting to see if she's going to get away with it. Nick tells us in a confessional that Jessica has a "level head," but that he's worried her age might be a problem. Like, for instance, that his best friend will be banging a twenty-one-year-old and he won't.

This has become such a random, lame, untenable talking point for Jesse. It's like he doesn't even hear what he's saying anymore: "The one thing that confuses me right now about Jessica and also about Tara is that people struggle expressing themselves to me." Now, granted, the cut that took place between the words "that" and "people" means these two thoughts were culled from two completely different sentences and the actual sentiment could have been "The one thing that confuses me right now about Jessica and also about Tara is that their names sound so similar to me." But the problem is, he really does believe, I think, in the central theme the editing is driving home. They haven't begged enough. Jenny warns Jesse that no girl wants to "play the fool," and then grabs Jessica for one more private moment when Jessica is on her way out. Jenny warns, "Say everything you need to say." Jessica retorts that she doesn't want to "scare [Jesse]," but Jenny whispers that she just has to make some good TV by falling at his feet, wrapping her hands around his legs, and yelling, "Jesseeeeeeeeeeeeeee! I looooooooooooooooooove yoooooooooooooooooou!" Because if there's one thing he wants? It's a girl with integrity. At least in Canada her pride would have spiraled the other way down the sink.

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Bachelor

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