Bachelor
Djb’s Last Bachelor Recap Ever, Suckas!

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Jesse's Mom Has Got It Going On

Ding-dong, Jessica! Also, the doorbell rings. Zing!

Jesse quickly opens the door and screams, "We don't want any!" closing it in a hurry. He's doing prop work now? Also considered were the alternate sentiments, "I gave at the office!" and "I never learned in charm school that it's rude to slam the door in a girl's face right before she meets your family for the first time. I must be Satan." After the usual meet-and-greets, we're toasting in the kitchen, Jessica explaining that she has two younger brothers, the ages of "eighteen and fifteen." For some reason, this makes the whole assemblage go, "Oooooh!" Why? Are they William and Harry? Who cares? The Stache (for that was Jesse's father's name when we first met him, and I find it still holds true today) asks Jessica how old she is, and Jessica shoots back, "I'm twenty-one. But I will be twenty-two in exactly one month." Which is exactly the kind of thing you say when you want people to think you're too young for a committed relationship, like if she'd been all, "Nuh-uh! I'm not twenty-one! I'm totally twenty-one and seven-eighths!" But this kicks it to an immediate confessional, one that features The Stache telling us that Jessica's too young. Because he understands the temporal relationship between all things necessary to keep a balance in the universe. Father Time wears a stache, ladies and gentlemen.

How come they never let the kids talk? Oh, wait. Jessica. They already did. The Stache wants to dispense some dinnertime wisdom: "There's something that's really important to understand aboot [sorry, but he did] this business of professional athletics. And I was in it. And Susan had a career in professional modeling." Not a sport. Nice try, though! It's the lip service that counts. "The thing is that when you're playing professional sports, you can have a career that lasts ten years, you can have a career that lasts three years, it can last a week." Why? Who plays professional sports in that room? Jessica walks right into it, replying that she's not with Jesse for the sports (and neither were the Giants! Zing!), saying she doesn't see him as "Jesse the football player." She nobly notes that she would still think Jesse was groovy even "if he was [sic] a janitor," which inspires a facial expression from Susan that seems to say, "What on earth is that?" But Susan still feels Jessica represented herself well, and she stops her in the kitchen to make sure "Mr. Palmer" (as she refers to him) wasn't giving Jessica "the one over." Whatever that is. Back in the living room, Jesse asks his brothers what they think, and the younger one rubs his eyes and is all, "I don't know," because he just wants to go upstairs and play videogames and we just want to go with him. The middle one adds, "She's not ugly, I tell you that much." All right. You're not invited to play videogames.

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Bachelor

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