Bachelor
Fun For The Whole Family

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What, No Dowries?

Previously: Everybody sucked. Are we all caught up now? Tonight: Chris will say some things. Then Aaron will say them again. And then one of the bachelorettes will say them, too. And then Aaron will say something he said earlier. And then Chris will, too. And then Aaron will say the same damned things he's said every episode so far. And then Chris will, too. The end.

Oh, fine.

Tonight, the four remaining bachelorettes move out of the Malibu Dream House and then arrange to bring Aaron to their hometowns to meet the families. Brooke scarily narrates that moving out allows each of the bachelorettes to "focus on Aaron, rather than each other." I can't even begin to explain how psychologically unhealthy both parts of that statement is. We see clips of the families. We see that threat by a relative of Brooke's to have some Marine beat Aaron up if he hurts her. Chris narrates, "In less than two weeks, Aaron could propose to any one of [the women]." Yeah, "could." I would treat that "could" similar to the one you might find in, "You could launch bottle rockets out of your ass. But unless you're Steve-o, you probably won't." (Yes, I saw Jackass: The Movie. Shut up.)

Aaron narrates to us that he's going to these four hometowns to meet the bachelorettes' families. See? See? He says that this is "serious," because these families may "meet [him] once, and then they may never see [him] again." What is he even saying? How is that serious? God, that sounds like a threat. Like, "They better treat me right, or I'm gonna dump their little girl." And considering how the rose ceremony goes, it may very well be exactly what he means.

At the Malibu Dream House, the women are all loaded into limousines, as Chris Harrison stands around, trying to be relevant. Say goodbye to the Malibu Dream House. Of course, they're going to keep coming back for the rose ceremony, so it's still around, but now strangely pointless. It's not like they're going to get to keep the house after it's over. See 'N Say Aaron spouts out that these visits are very important and that he has a huge decision to make.

First up is a trip to Buffalo, NY, to meet Gwen's family. They don't even go to the family home. At least somebody on this show values privacy. Instead, Aaron meets up with Gwen at some restaurant/club called Bijou. She's wearing a tiny red dress, by the way. Because Aaron goes for the red. I bet the women all went out and bought new red clothes just for him. Gwen introduces Aaron to her parents, Marie and Phil; her sister, Mary Beth; and her best friend, Lisa. Gwen has definitely inherited that forehead of hers from her mother. Genetics is a harsh mistress. Just ask my nose. I have yet to find a single pair of sunglasses that I can wear without looking like an insect.

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Bachelor

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