Even Mapquest is all, "Screw you!" when it comes to locating Tara's gun-totin', foot-stompin', cud-chewin', yee-haw-shoutin' pa in a town the subtitle wants us to believe is called "Paul's Valley, Oklahoma." But I did find a website that said you could buy a three-hundred-acre farm with a house on it for $425,000, which is pretty much my rent for a year. But then again...Oklahoma. We're on "Tara's Family Farm," which we were once, I believe, told was in Norman. It's near Oklahoma City. And a mere two hundred miles, as the carrion no longer flies, from the world's largest McDonald's, in Vinita. I have that on a plastic travel mug somewhere. Actually, I bought it for someone as a gift, because that's the kind of guy I am. Jesse tells us that he hopes Tara will be able to "open up more" now that she's in a comfortable surrounding. Tara, meanwhile, tells us that she hasn't seen Jesse in a while and that she totally, totally missed him and whatever. She foreshadows her father, calling him "an outgoing guy." Sitting down at a table with Jesse, they talk about how they both had trouble sleeping. Tara offers that her father will give Jesse a "hard time" about everything, and that he always -- and this is a direct quote -- "looks everybody up. He always gets people's records off the internet." Oh, well. So much for meeting Tara's dad under congenial circumstances, what with him knowing that I, um, have a relationship with the theeeee-ah-tah. And that I repeatedly call him a hick. Jesse says that he's never nervous meeting parents, but that he's a little on edge now. A big, black SUV pulls up in the open field, and out steps...oh, yay! Tara's dad is being played by Ricky Gervais! Fun! Man, his Southern accent is impeccable. He's brandishing a big, giant long gun, a big smile, and a love of the second amendment.
More guns. Jesse tells us that he's not comfortable around guns. Tara's father announces, "A rule about guns...never pull 'em out unless you're gonna use them." Ladies and gentlemen, I will have you meet a man more conscious of the fact that he's on television than even Bob Guiney. Congratulations, sir. You can pick up your sash and your new television series on Spike whenever you're done shootin'.