Bachelor
Gun Shy

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A Wrong Turn On The Southern State

Back in the living room, Jesse turns the tables, asking how they felt when Jessica informed them that she would be going on The Bachelor. Mary Lynn cops to having been "surprised," noting, "She was happily in law school," which I have to admit is starting to sounds more like "I was happy she was in law school." Mr. Mary Lynn -- whose pants are worn by not him -- pipes up now that he was "not in favor" of Jessica's decision to appear on the show, at first. He continues on in a non-sequitur kind of way, speeching, "I had a four-page questionnaire about 'Why You Should Date My Daughter.'" Eh? Jesse guffaws, "I'd love to fill it out," before the editing spares him the undoubtedly yelped follow-up, "But spelling is for scientists and fruits." But alas, Jessica's father could not find the document, having neglected to check his computer under the file path, "C:/My Documents/Patriarchal Assertiveness/The Girl/Adolescent Maturity Stunting/noboysinourhouse.doc." So, as an alternative, he was forced to recreate just one question of it, which he removes from his lapel pocket and hands as a love note to Jesse. Jesse opens it up and sounds it out, using his context clues and only slipping over a few elephant words along the way, so clearly the cameras were turned off for a significant amount of time: "Question: Will you respect our daughter, sister, and granddaughter? Answer: Don't tell us. Show us." Jesse's eyes radiate with terror, worrying that he just might not have the physical means to care for three separate people like the note seems to demand, and, in a confessional, he feels the magnitude of Jessica's family and their love for her, as he explains, "I think it's very easy to, kinda, talk the talk. But you have to be able to walk the walk. And show people how you feel." Yes. I think we can all get behind Jesse Palmer and his Sports Idioms Novelty Mug guide to wife hunting. Jesse asks to keep the note so he has something to see to In Touch when his football contract runs out in approximately...now. Jessica's father beams. His handwriting is kinda girly.

Toasts abound at the dinner table, as Jessica sneaks in to have a talk with her mother in the kitchen. Or, as Mary Lynn refers to it, "the food-bearing weigh station on my daughter's hasty way back to law school." Mary Lynn tells Jessica that she's "glowing," and angrily makes some post-dinner coffee as she spits out in one smiley breath, "Not to say you shouldn't fall for him I think he's pretty great I just worry and I don't want you to get hurt." Ah. "Pretty great." The hallmark of all unconditional statements of motherly support. Other thoughtfully considered though quickly discarded Jesse Palmer rallying cries included, "I mean, yeah. Huh. I mean, what's important is that he likes you, y'know?" and "okay, not entirely 'eh.'" She worries that Jessica might not be ready to make a commitment for the rest of her life, telling us in a confessional that she really hopes there's no ring at the end of this, speaking to the benefits of taking a marriage proposal slowly: "It's a lifetime commitment." Sssssh! They'll hear you and the show will be ruined. Jessica hilariously mocks her mother, saying that she's going to quit law school and run off and never call home again. Jesse tells us that she felt Mary Lynn was "skeptical," and we cut to Jesse and Jessica macking on the sidewalk at the end of the night. "I really do feel strongly for Jesse, and I feel in my heart that we're supposed to be together and that this is supposed to work out." The signs are everywhere. Look at how much the dog liked its toy. Kismet. It's just fucking kismet.

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