Bachelor
Gun Shy

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A Wrong Turn On The Southern State

More guns. Jesse tells us that he's not comfortable around guns. Tara's father announces, "A rule about guns...never pull 'em out unless you're gonna use them." Ladies and gentlemen, I will have you meet a man more conscious of the fact that he's on television than even Bob Guiney. Congratulations, sir. You can pick up your sash and your new television series on Spike whenever you're done shootin'.

"Tara shooting guns is like Charlie's Angels," Jesse tells us, as Tara shows some cans in a field who's boss. That's right! Get 'em! Clay pigeons are fuckers! Tara's father then hands Jesse a gun, which he takes as a direct challenge to his masculinity, of course: "I think Tara's father really wanted to see if I was a man and I could shoot a gun." What great proof of valiance it would be! And, taking a single shot (or so the editing would have us believe), Jesse takes a shot and takes that can right down, damn the ten-cent Oklahoma can deposit! ["Please. That never happened. He's Canadian!" -- Wing Chun] "They don't call me Jesse James for nothing," Jesse reports with a self-satisfied sneer. Tara tells her father that "that's his middle name." Jesse Jesse James Palmer? That's a stupid name. And I don't think Jesse James was known for being such a good shot to begin with. True to form, Tara's father doesn't seem to have much of an idea as to who Jesse James is. True to form, I now have a Cher song stuck in my head for the rest of the weekend.

Following the Tuesday Night Shoot-Out at Paul's Scorched Earth Valley, the three guys (eh, whatever) sit down for a beer. Tara's father (let's call him "Tex") begins illuminating the happy couple as to his so-called "theory on love." And here it is: "I just think it's something they made up to do movies with and write books about." Man. He stole Tara right out of her crib like Nathan Arizona and told her never to ask about her mama.

Atlanta, Georgia! An actual city! An urban Mecca of 416,474 where there are museums built for soft drinks and underperforming sports franchises and wanton women who cheat and thieve and wear their deviant intentions on the kitschy novelty t-shirts! God, it's nice to be back. Hmmm...is it always so hot, though?

Jesse wants us to know, in his charming, broken English, "I've had second thoughts about Trish...I really like Trish, I really do. But I need to find out if Trish is just being misunderstood and the other women are jealous or if Trish really is as bad as everybody else makes her out to be." Whatever we learn from the emotional journey that lies ahead, this is the one thing I know for sure: that nose job is one dynamite nose job. Go, Trish!

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Bachelor

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