Bachelor
Gun Shy

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A Wrong Turn On The Southern State

The snappy couple (he in a ratty brown sportsjacket with shoulder pads from the Woody Allen In Drag Collection and she in pink chiffon everything) strides into a hotel room somewhere in Atlanta and immediate gets to the process of growing. As people. Jesse will go first, thanks: "Something kinda freaked me out at the Rose Ceremony." Was it something shiny? Because if so, it might have been...everything about you. He adds that he was met with "bewilderment" from all of the other women when he gave Trish her rose, and reminds us of Karen's comment that anyone who gives a rose to Trish has, like, the major, major cooties. Trish sits livid and erupts again that this is why she's not friends with girls, noting, "I've been dealing with stuff like this for pretty much my whole life." And while I like to give Trish the benefit of the doubt just because I hope it'll get me invited to speak on a panel about depictions of women in reality television, I have to say once she cops to the fact that this has been going on her entire life, well, fifty million Elvis fans can't be wrong, if you know what I'm saying. Jesse continues that he doesn't "want to be played," which causes Trish to charge from the room and leave Jesse to check out his reflection in the sterling silverware and still not think that turtleneck is a bad idea. Shocking. Trish stands in the hallway among the discarded scraps of room service for a minute, confessionalizing, "This is worth it to fight for," and returns to the room with a steady new resolve. "I can't be fighting an uphill battle," she tells him. "I can't keep doing this." Then she cries. "Either you want to be with me or you don't," she says, not crying again. She worries that she can't redeem herself, and that she can't make it better with the other girls and that she doesn't know why it's like this. Jesse promises that he won't "drop-kick" her, but it's probably only because he'll miss. "In the end, my wife doesn't have to be somebody that the world likes. The important thing is that I'm in love with her, and that she loves me." Which doesn't sound lonely at all.

Laura Ashley wuz here. We pull up to the front of Trish's exceedingly well-appointed home in the Atlanta suburb of Eeeeeevil (it's like the Paul's Valley of Buckhead), where we meet her mother, her father, and her sister Susan. Susan is shorter, blonder, and more adopted than the rest of the siblings. We're immediately at dinner, Trish and Jesse seemingly complaining about the structure of the show they're still on, and Jesse noting that they had to throw themselves into a deep conversation fourteen seconds after they met each other, basically following up "nice to meet you" with "do you want to have kids?" Susan, not getting the point, busts in to note, "I think that's a great way. Why waste a year?" Jesse, the master orator, keeps the conversation on point by dismissing any opinion that doesn't dovetail conveniently with his own, bulldozing, "The point is, I mean, that is awkward." Not as awkward as watching the fictions families tell themselves to continue mattering as a family, including Trish's father's retelling of a story we've never heard him tell before, but knowing all the while he tells it with a frequency of "on the 1's," or something: "When I met her mom, I knew right away I was going to marry her...I knew it within one week." Which is why it wasn't until five years in that you discovered she was a man. Sorry. Cheap shot. But seriously...look at him.

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Bachelor

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