Bachelor
Bachelor

Episode Report Card
Shack: C | 520 USERS: C+
YOU GRADE IT
Music Hath Charms to Rouse the Savage Breasts

Aaron heads out as we see close-ups of Merrilee and Liangy. Aaron gives some blah blah speech about how great it was to meet them and how they all made "sacrifices" to be there. "Sacrifices"? You know what? I'm not going to get into it. The idea of somebody sacrificing anything to be on this show makes me queasy.

Down to business. The first rose goes to Angela, of whom we saw nothing. She accepts. The second goes to Helen. She accepts. Third goes to Brunette Erin (he calls her "Erin from Pennsylvania" to differentiate her from Blonde Erin). She accepts. Fourth goes to Brooke. She accepts. Chris will be going home alone tonight. Fifth goes to Anindita. Perhaps Aaron was impressed by her cattle knowledge. She accepts. Sixth is Heather from California. There are two Heathers? I didn't even notice. Oy. This is the massage therapy trainee. I knew she'd be a hit. Seventh is Dana. She accepts. Eighth is Hayley. She accepts. There's uncomfortable laughter around the room as everybody realizes that the likelihood of anybody refusing a rose from Aaron is pretty slim. Ninth is Queen Christi. She accepts. Tenth is Shannon. She tells him to fuck off and walks out. Kidding. She accepts. Eleventh is Frances. When Aaron offers her the rose, Frances balks and says she has to ask him if he likes to dance. Some of the women look absolutely shocked at the idea that Frances's acceptance of the rose would depend on some requirement on her end. But Aaron's a "renaissance man," of course. He loves to dance. What about salsa? She'd have to teach him, but he's willing to learn. She offers to let him take the rose back. He declines, knowing that he can just cut her for her insolence next round. She accepts the rose. Twelfth is Suzanne, the catty flight attendant with the stupid orchid choker. She accepts. Thirteenth is Gwen. She accepts the rose.

The fourteenth rose goes to...Dramatic Tension, who has stopped by to try to inject some life into the proceedings. Rather then offering a rose, Aaron says he has to step outside for a moment to think some more. Oh, such a tease. I don't believe him for an instant. We can hear the mics as Aaron and Chris step outside the room. Aaron tells Chris that he's trying to decide between Kyla and Merrilee. After a few seconds, he heads back in and offers the fourteenth flower to Kyla, the well-endowed Mormon virgin. I wonder if he knows her attitude about sex yet or if he's even noticed the part of her that is above the neck? The final rose for the evening goes to the other Heather, who was the other beauty-pageant contestant. So he didn't pick either Merrilee or Liangy. Liangy is just going to have to go back to the Oxygen Network or whatever place where they let women live their own lives, because they're not having any of that stuff here. Heather accepts. Close-ups of all the women who weren't picked. They stand there, stone-faced.

Bachelor

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