Hello. I Love You. Won’t You Tell Me Your Name?

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Music Hath Charms to Rouse the Savage Breasts

Super-mega-props to queasy, who provided me a tape of this episode following my VCR fowl-up. She even shyly informed me that I didn't have to acknowledge her at all in my recap. So, of course, I'm going to try to work her name in as often as possible. This show makes me queasy. Queasy, queasy, queasy.

Speaking of queasy, the show opens with Chris giving us a voice-over comparing this show to a fairly tale: "Once upon a time, there was a charming, young bachelor, searching for the woman of his dreams." Now where did I leave that bucket? We see clips of said bachelor, Aaron, along with brief clips of seventeen blonde women declaring their love for him already. Tonight, Aaron will meet the twenty-five women chosen by the show's producers on the basis that they're pretty, petty, desperate and have big breasts. Aaron hopes to pick himself out a bride out of the group. Not nearly as much as ABC hopes he does. Chris explains further that in Aaron's search for "love," plenty of women are going to get hurt and rejected along the way. Yup, that's a fairy-tale romance right there. We see clips of women being catty with each other and crying. Whatever will they do with themselves if they don't become Mrs. Buerge? They will never recover! A rejectee tells us that she's "not going to be okay." America laughs at her suffering. Will Aaron find love among these blonde camera whores? Will he ask his chosen camera whore to marry him? Will she say yes? Will their relationship end up as fake as Alex and Amanda's? We'll take another step in the direction of finding out tonight.

After a brief title card of The Bachelor that serves as the credits, we cut to evening poolside at the Malibu Dream House so that Chris can appear on camera and repeat everything he just narrated over the clips. Thanks so much. Here's some more dialogue courtesy of ABC's marketing department: "In just a few minutes, we'll embark on an extraordinary romantic journey that will hopefully lead two people to the most wonderful things life has to offer." A job hosting a crappy entertainment show on cable? The chance to hand out a couple of those untelevised Emmys for technical achievement? A spot on the next celebrity edition of Fear Factor? A blind item in several gossip columns? Oh, right -- love. It's all about love.

Now it's time to meet The Bachelor. Yes, we already met The Bachelor last week. But we haven't heard enough about how wonderful he is. It's almost like the show is trying to convince us to marry him. Chris assures us that Aaron is wonderful and handsome and smart and accomplished and wonderful and smart, and did he mention handsome? Chris is going to push one of the women into the pool and take her place, I think. Chris wanders through the Malibu Dream House repeating the same damned crap, about Aaron finding love among the twenty-five women, that he's been saying for the past five minutes. It's not like we're watching curling here, Chris. We all understand how it works.

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